July 22, 2003

Does not Play Well with Others

That's what it always said on my report cards, anyway. I wasn't quite sure what the teacher meant by "problems with authority" either, until yesterday when I went for a golf lesson. My girlfriend's parents had gotten me a gift certificate for 50 bucks to take a golf lesson(I really am that bad). So I sign up and go down to the driving range. But when I go to pay for the lesson, the lady at the desk tells me I can't use my gift certificate for a golf lesson, because the gift certificate is from the pro shop. So I look 5 feet to my right, where the pro shop is(inside the driving range), and the little hamster in my head starts to run.

"What's the difference between the pro-shop and the driving range?" I ask in my most innocent tone.
"Well, they're separately owned and operated companies."
"Separately owned and operated companies you say?"
"That's right."
"So your telling me that the pro-shop right over there, with the same name as the driving range, located inside the same building, operated by the same employees, is a separate and un-related company."
"That's right."
"It doesn't even have a separate door for chrissakes!"

Aurora borealis? At this time of year, at this time of night, in this part of the country, localized only in your kitchen? Yes.
Can I see it? No.

So I walk the two and a half feet from the driving range counter to the pro-shop counter. And I shit you not, the same girl from the driving range counter walks over, goes behind the pro-shop counter, looks at me and says "Can I help you?"

No, I'm just looking, you stupid bitch. Okay, you want to play games?

"Yes you can, I'd like to return this gift certificate."
"Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that."
"And why can't you do that, might I ask?"
"Because only Rich can refund gift certificates, he's the manager."
"Well where the fuck is Rich then!?!"
"He's on vacation, he'll be back next week."

Normally, this is where I lose it. Well to be fair, normally I would've lost it a long time ago. But for some reason I had a really long fuse yesterday; I don't know why. So rather than start breaking windows and scaring little children, I decide i'll just pay for the golf lesson and take it up with my pal Rich next week. So I walk back to the other counter, idiot desk chimp in tow, and tell the girl that I will just pay for the lesson. So she rings me up, I put it on my debt card, and she gives me the receipt to sign. 50 dollars for a half hour lesson. There goes that hamster again.

I look up at the huge 10' by 5' sign behind the counter that says "INTRODUCTORY GOLF LESSON $25!!! SIGN UP TODAY!"
"Do you think this is fucking funny or something, you stupid bitch!?!"
"Excuse me?"
"Look if you want to be a fucking prick and bust my balls about the gift certificate, that's fine, I'll take it up with Ricky. But who the hell do you think you're dealing with?"
"Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't yell at me."
"No idea what I'm talking about? No idea? I'm talking about the HUGE NEON FUCKING SIGN behind you that says the golf lesson costs 25 dollars, and you're charging me 50. What the fuck is the matter with you!?!"
"Ohmygawd(if you've been to Long Island, you know what this sounds like), calm down. You didn't say it was an introductory lesson. You have to say that."
"Holy shit lady, did you eat paint chips as a kid? Does it SEEM like i've taken a lot of lessons here before!?!"
"Well how was I supposed to know!"
"You know what? Forget it. Let me talk to your manager."
"He's not here."
"Where is he?"
"He's on vacation until next week."
"What's his name?"

Wow. You have de-railed.

I really didn't know what to do at this point, so I just started laughing. And the counter monkey there, I guess got confused or saw something shiny, because eventually she started laughing, too. The sad part is, all this time I thought the girl was messing with me, and it turned out that she really was that stupid.
I gave up and had her ring me up for the 25 dollar lesson, and off I go. But lunch is over now, so I gotta get back to work, I'll tell you about the actual lesson a little bit later.

Posted by John at July 22, 2003 02:25 PM

Howdy, This is my first visit to your Blog. I followed a link to "the funniest guy in blogdom" or some shit like that. Well, I'll be perma linkin' you and checking back every so often....You are pretty sharp.

As a response to this golf story..........
I submit that you consider the caliber of people who work at sub-human occupations like those "counter- Monkeys". I have learned to expect nothing less than the worst service, a total lack of respect, and complete incompetence from any employee who addresses me from accross a sales counter. I always have to remind this fact to my wife when we go to a fast food joint. She actually seems genuinely suprised every time she gets a burrito supreme WITH TOMATOES, even though she expliciately describes her burning hatred for tomatoes every time she places her order. I always ask her, " what do you expect from a person who has to take a job at freakin' Taco Bell for lack of ANY marketable skills?" Jeesh!!

Anyway, I just wanted you to know,( in case you were wondering) ..............Yes, it is okay to hate them. They suck and deserve the pitiful lives they are stuck with. Be thankful however, that you were at least lucky enough to be addressing someone who actually was speaking English. Always look at the bright side.

Posted by: paratrooper at July 24, 2003 12:20 AM

Just had to tell paratrooper that he sounds like the proverbial Customer from Hell....and the tomatos could be to cover up the fact that the "Counter Monkeys", as you so delightfully call them, spit in the food....

Posted by: Susie at July 24, 2003 09:59 AM

On the contrary, my Dear Susie. I am the customer from Heaven. You see, I realize that the "counter monkeys" ( John's original moniker for them, not mine)are what they are. Therefore I am never suprised when I recieve bad service. It is that initial surprise, that shock of disbelief that drives most of you into hysterics. I have seen many a man actually yelling at the guy with the paper hat, however if the guy actually thought about it, he'd been EXPECTING the poor service. Hence, no surprise and no chance of an unexpected blurting of obscenities in the heat of the moment. If you expect a lousy experience, and by accident, they get your order right, you will find yourself unexpectedly happy. It's great, you should try it. It's like a drug. At least once a day, nearly every day, I nearly overdose on being "pleasantly surprised". I never have to bite my tongue. AND I save the mouth breathing idiot in the paper hat from thinking "I don't have to put up with this shit for 4.75 an hour, dude!"

Everybody wins, especially me because I get the satisfaction of going to bed every night with a clear conscience. ( of course I often wake up to find my pillow ripped to shreds.........Do you think it might be realted?)


Posted by: paratrooper at July 24, 2003 10:38 PM

I guess, paratrooper, what I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior.... as in "They suck and deserve the pitiful lives they are stuck with."
From "my" side of the counter, our motto is:
"This would be a great job if it wasn't for the f***ing customers......"

Posted by: Susie at July 25, 2003 09:32 AM

Again, my Dear Susie,You have missed the point( which is why you probably ended up in the paper hat to begin with). I never "treat the employees as inferior", I only THINK of them as idiots, there form I won't be surprised when they let me down. THis reduces my chances of getting mad, and therefore reduces my chances of treating the employee like shit. I can maintain an even keel throughout the entire purchasing debacle.

THe employee is none the wiser...........as if he(she) was that wise in the first place.


Posted by: Paratrooper at July 27, 2003 12:31 AM

Gotta land on Paratrooper's side on this one, Susie. If Taco Hell or Crackbuster Video is pretty much the top of the career ladder for someone, then it's probably a result of either extreme laziness or extreme stupidity. Either way, yes indeed, they DO deserve what they get. Stupid and asinine customers notwithstanding, I do agree that taking abuse shouldn't be part of the job at ANY level unless you totally bring it upon yourself by your own incompetence and stupidity. (And no, I'm not aiming that at you, but at people in general.)

On the other hand, if they have the know how and ambition, they can not only _not_ suck at their jobs but they can eventually find something better for a career. Dodgy economy and all that be damned, there ARE opportunities for those willing to work and look hard enough to find them.

Posted by: Warlocke at August 5, 2003 11:35 PM
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