July 23, 2003

What Makes a Conservative

Everybody is flipping out about this whole what makes a conservative study. Well, people, you need to calm down a bit. You see, you have to translate what was said from moron to english before you can properly interpret the information.

1. Fear and Aggression - The two most important factors in the survival of the human race. Without fear, without aggressive behavior, we would've all been eaten up and shit out a long time ago. I for one am proud of the fact that I can act aggressively to defend myself, rather than sit there and get bitched like a berkeley student would if you slapped him around a little bit.

2. Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity - Forget dogmatism off the bat. I'm an atheist. But let's just look at this right here, intolerance of ambiguity. What does that really mean? That means that you don't let morons feed you a bunch of vague and generalized bullshit where facts and valuable information should be. That means when you ask the mechanic how much its gonna be, and he says in the hundreds, you don't say "fine", you say "how many hundreds?" Anyone who is tolerant for ambiguity, let me know if you need any contractor work done on your house. A new roof perhaps?

3. Uncertainty avoidance - Means exactly what it says, avoidance of uncertainty. I dunno about you, but I like to know how shit is gonna go down before I get there. I don't do things that involve alot of uncertainty, you see... I don't vacation in Palestine, I don't walk around alone on flatbush avenue at night, and I don't lend money to people if i'm uncertain where they will be for the next couple of months. You may call it a tenet of conservativism or whatever fancy bullshit name these fucknuts came up with; I call it getting screwed over avoidance.

4. Need for cognitive closure - That's a real clever way to say you like to know how shit ends. Do you like to watch the first hour and a half of a movie and then turn it off for the last 10 minutes? Do you read books and then just skip the last chapter? Then maybe you too posess the need for cognitive closure. I can see how this one came to be...
"We only came up with 4, sir."
"But I spent all the grant money already, and I promised them at least 5 character traits! FUCK!"
"What if we put in something really ambigious, but dress it up with a vague psychological term?"
"That will never work! Everyone always remembers the last entry, they'll tear us to shreds!"
"What if we hide it at #4? Everybody always skips #4."
"Brilliant! You get the first bong hit for that one."

5. Terror Management - Terror management? Is that like, being afraid but not running around screaming and burning flags and crying and shit? I dunno, I'm not real tolerant for ambiguous terms like this, so I guess my viewpoint is a bit biased.

So there you have it. Conservatives posses the following characteristics:
1. Not pussies
2. Don't like doubletalk bullshit
3. Plan things before they actually do them
4. Like to know the end
5. Don't flee in terror at the first sign of danger.

What this basically says that if you aren't french, you're probably a conservative. Which just further proves my theory; Senator Kelly is a frenchman.

Posted by John at July 23, 2003 11:05 PM

Nicely translated. I had the same thoughts when I read it:

"OK, check, check, check, check and check. Yes, these are all the good points of conservatives. Is that what you wanted to say?"

Posted by: Pixy Misa at July 24, 2003 06:22 AM

I used to be a liberal before all the liberals went nucking futs. I still don't want to be considered a conservative either, but I have to say BRAVO! You got this one so right!

Posted by: Lynn S at July 25, 2003 01:56 PM

brillian, thanks a lot! (really!)
as a lefty psychologist, I can tell you you got the admittedly awful wording of these terms just right. (really! no bs.)
Now if we can agree, as the authors of that study do, that each of these characteristics can be good or bad depending on circumstances...

Posted by: markus at July 26, 2003 06:42 PM


Posted by: ABDEL at July 14, 2005 12:02 PM
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