Collinization

An Interview With Paul

So I interviewed Paul, since he interviewed me, thus completing the circle jerk that is the blogosphere. He had some interesting stuff to say, but I edited that part out and bring you pure, uninterrupted schleck.

How did you get started blogging?

Some time ago I was waiting to get my haircut and reading a magazine.
It said that web logs were the wave of the future, and explained that they
were "dear diary" type things that people kept on the web. I thought, "Now
that's fucking pathetic." Some months later I googeled something and a blog
came up, and it was nothing like dear diary. Then I realized that I had been
blogging for years, via email, and never knew it. I hopped in because
it was better than email blogging.

When did you decide that a blog wasn't good enough, and that living in
the comments section of other blogs was more rewarding?

One day I had nothing to post. I noticed Bill also had nothing to post,
so he stole "I'll answer questions" from Frank. I started answering his
questions that people left in his comments before he could get to them.
I was just trying to annoy Bill, but it was fun. So I posted on my own
blog that for the rest of the day, I'd be blogging from Bill's comments
section. By the time he realized what was up, I had a good laugh at his expense. You know as well as I do that nothing is more rewarding than that.

Can't argue there. What's your license plate number?

I can't see it from here, but it's not personalized. I frown on that. I
seninerriously frown on that.

Did I hear a "Niner" in there?

No, you certainly did not. And I hate the Niners.

The Bush twins or the Olsen twins?

Do the Hilton sisters count? I'm big on sleeping with them. Maybe the
Bush girls, because I could probably draw out my fifteen minutes of fame to
an hour of so. And at least one is depraved. Truly crazy girls= the best
sex. You know, mentally disturbed, Sybil- like chicks.

Joe Camel or Macgruff the crime dog?

Joe Camel. I wish I knew all the secrets on the Camel pack.

Who is the greatest athlete of all time?

I'd say Michael Jordan has to be up there, same with Carl Lewis, Clay
(his momma call him Clay, I'm gonna call him Clay). Jim Brown deserve a
mention as well.

Obviously, you've never heard of Rick Ankiel. Anyway, who is the greatest author of all time?

It depends. Novels would be Hugo, James Fennimore Cooper, Dostoyevsky,
Dumas, Joyce, Larry McMurtry, Dickens. Short fiction would be Raymond
Carver, Chekhov, de Maupassant. Poetry would be TS, Pound, WC Williams,
Jeffers, Lorca, and the incredible Henry Chinaski. None of them write
rhyming poetry. Other general stuff I'd say John Fante is under-rated.
So was Celine. Melville was a hack.

Who would win in a fight between the two of them?

Chinaski would beat them all. Except Hemingway. He was at war with
life.

What is your favorite mindless protest chant?

We're here, we're queer and whatever the rest of it is. It's the best
because whenever it's being chanted, you're guaranteed to see a freak
show.

Most Over-rated blog?

Yours.

When you say "yours" do you mean Bloviating Inanities?

Yes, yes I do.

What does "diversity" mean to you?

It means that I can listen to John Coltrane or NIN and like them both.
I like Mozart and I like the Sex Pistols. It means that I can enjoy the
novel Great Expectations and I can also appreciate a Bukowski poem about
shit-stained underwear and being in the drunk tank. To me, that's
diversity.

How old are you?

Thirty-nine. That will change in a few days.

If you could travel back in time and witness any event-what, where
and/or who?

Boy, I never realized how much of a pain in the ass these questions
are. Ancient Egypt maybe. the OK Corral shootout.Gettysburg. I'm an atheist
most of the time, but Christ's last days would be something. The Beatles in
Hamburg is up there too. I have this thing about time travel.but it's a
long story.

Beer, Wine or Hard stuff- and which?

Macallan single malt, Cabernet/Claret for wine and Heineken. Armagnac
after a meal. I rarely do shots but if I must, Patron tequila with a splash
of Tabasco. That makes me sound way more pretentious than I am.

Okay, and now on to the important questions. If you get drunk all
night, then go to sleep, and wake up the next morning and then throw up, does that still count as drinking till you puke?

No. Technically, drinking until you puke means you may actually be
trying to swallow more booze at the instant of the launch, or at least while
holding a drink. Bed spin puking barely qualifies.

What are the three best books you've ever read?

The unabridged Three Musketeers, The unabridged Count of Monte Christo
and The Cat and the Hat. The Cat and the Hat has very intense denouement.
The parents are coming home, the place is a shithouse. The goldfish is
panicking. Very intense book.

What are your top ten desert Island CDs?

In no particular order:

Derek and the Dominoes-Layla and other assorted love songs
Jeff Beck-Wired
Beatles-Sgt. Pepper
Genesis-Foxtrot
Elvis Costello-Best of
John Coltrane-Soultrane
Steely Dan-The Royal Scam
Eagles-Hotel California
Led Zep-Houses of the Holy
Time Life Series-AM Gold of the 70s

They change a lot.

[This website is not responsible for Paul's poor musical tastes]

What do you mean you still listen to 8 track? What the hell is an 8
track?

The best part about 8 tracks was, after you wore them out, which
happened a lot, you could whip it from the car at someone.

You're weird. Why is that?

I'm only weird on the net. By weird, do you mean smart and funny? Good,
that's what I thought.

Actually, I meant weird in the "Your wearing a dead poodle as a hat and it's starting to smell" sense, but you were close. What kind of car do you drive?

A gas guzzling eight cylinder SUV.

Do you want me to tell you why it's a piece of shit, or do you already
know?

I'm well aware.

Do you feel strange when you laugh at loud at stuff you read over the
internet?

I have never laughed out loud. I hope to someday. The doctors think
it's some kind of imbalance. I'm heavily medicated most of the time.

Did you know that Glenn is black?

I know he claims to be. It says so right on his page, along with a
salutation. Wouldn't it be funny if he came out and told everyone he's
not? It would be funny if he was a white midget.

Who was the greatest leader in world history?

Vince Lombardi.

[good answer]

Who is your favorite celebrity?

It used to be Jennifer Aniston until she said that shit about Bush. I
looklike Brad Pitt, so I think I could get her.

And how long have you been stalking her?

For quite some time. I've gotten pretty close.

What is the best gag or practical joke you've ever pulled?

I was watching this guy's house while he was on vacation. Watering the
plants and running his dogs and stuff. I called him in Hawaii and told
him his house burned in a fire. He fucking freaked. I made up enough detail
for it to pretty good. You know, just the kitchen, smoke damage to the rest.
I do that kind of stuff a lot.

That's pretty funny, in a disturbing kind of way. How many of these questions did I just cut and paste from your own interviews?

Too many. This is torturous. I had no idea how long this took.

What's the funniest movie ever?

Brian's Song.

You're wrong. Try again.

Showgirls.

Nope, that's not it either. The answer we were looking for was "Bowling for Columbine". Sorry Paul, but that's all the time we have for today. You can go back to your squee-geeing now, we'll leave 50 cents in the cup for you.

Note: Some of this interview did not actually happen.

Posted by John at August 8, 2003 02:20 PM | TrackBack