Today is tuesday, and I got nothing. I feel better since nobody else has anything either, but still. Nothing. One more shitty post, coming up.
I saw a sick accident last night. A honda civic t-boned a grand cherokee; the cherokee flipped on its side, and the civic's bumper was pushed up to the windshield. Nobody got hurt, go figure. Can we guess who was driving? That's right, 2 17 year old boys. Obviously one of them blew the light, and the other was speeding; who was doing which doesn't matter. But because of these fucking jerkoffs, my car insurance is 8 billion dollars a day. How can you class a 23 year old driver the same as a 17 year old? I mean the first 5 years of driving experience really should count for more than the rest, as that's when you learn how to not get yourself killed on the road. But the insurance company sees a big fat "disposable income" demographic, and they'll be damned if they won't cash in. Did i mention that I am required by law to carry car insurance, but the government hardly regulates the rates? Did I mention that it's the equivalent of taxation without representation? I'm sure I did mention that at some point, so I won't bore you with the fact that the government is once again extorting money out of me. Between car insurance and social security, I give like 20% of my income up for nothing. I'll never see the social security money, and the insurance company will do everything in it's power to scumbag out of paying if I ever actually make a claim. Did i also mention that if i lived in another state, my car insurance would be about 10% of what it is in New York? It's cheaper in Mass. for christ sakes, and their about 2 weeks away from a hammer and sickle on their state flag. No fault insurance is a fucking scam.
My friend's girlfriend, who lives with him, showed up at the bar on friday with a big hickie on her neck. She claimed she got dared to make out with a girl at a bar, and the girl gave her a hickie instead. They broke up, and she moved out of my friend's basement yesterday. Whore.
I'm headed up to the track in Saratoga this weekend. Any horse players out there? Got some tips? Help me out. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
I played golf this weekend, and shot a 58 on a 9 hole course. That's still awful, but the last time i played that course i shot a 60, and the time before that i shot a 68. All I have to do is knock off another 15 strokes and I'll be a semi-respectable golfer. I hit a drive that went almost 300 yards too. Unfortunately, it went about 130 yards forward and about 170 yards to the right. For you non-golfers, that's the equivalent of bowling a strike, 2 lanes over from the lane you were aiming for. If one more person tells me to "swing through the ball and keep your head down" im gonna wrap my bent three iron around their head in an unkind fashion. With extreme prejudice.
Everyone should use the phrase "with extreme prejudice" at least once a week. Its a good line, and I like it.
Why do mechanics automatically think you're an idiot when you bring your car in for servicing? All i needed was an inspection on a brand new car. They don't even have to really inspect it, and it takes 10 minutes. So I call up and talk to the guy, and I try to tell him that its a new car and he could do it in 10 minutes. He tells me that there are cars before me, and I have to drop it off, and he might not finish it that day and all this other bullshit. So I drop the car off at lunch, and fill out the paperwork and leave. 20 minutes later he calls my cell phone back. "Why didn't you tell me that it was a brand new car? It's ready if you want to come back and get it." Asshole. But I guess that's what you do when you're a mechanic, because everyone else probably treats you like you're the idiot. Anyone who thinks auto mechanics are dumb people though, should take a real good look under their hood. Do you see all that stuff? How much of it can you identify? If you're car broke down on the side of the road, and you opened the hood up, would you have the slightest idea what to do? For 80% of the population, the answer is no, and those people have no right to look down on a mechanic. The other 20% know better than to look down on them, because cars are really fucking complicated machines. It's harder to diagnose an engine problem than it is to fill out your fucking TPS reports, that's for sure. So show some respect. Except not to this guy, cuz he was an asshole.
That's all I got for right now.
I've got nothing too. Obviously. If only someone would make a total ass of themselves we could jump on it...
Posted by: Paul at August 12, 2003 11:33 AMI can't even think of a comment.
Posted by: Bill at August 12, 2003 11:46 AMThe beauty and eloquence of your prose has left me speechless....
Also, my car insurance was $63 for six months BEFORE they made it a law that I had to have it. Now its $63 for ONE month.
Just had to gripe about that....
Posted by: Susie at August 12, 2003 12:21 PMDude, I worked on my brother-in-laws race car for a few years and I can't tell you what's under the hood of cars these days. It used to be just an engine and enough electronics to fire the spark plugs. Now it's some conglomeration of engine-motor, enough electronics to run the space station, and weird boxes and parts that don't do anything except disrupt the space-time continuum and stop everything when they are disconnected.
Conversation overheard at Nissan R&D Center:
Amid oooh and ahhh's from marketing geeks...
"What'd you do to make it better?"
"Nothing really. I welded a toaster to the exhaust header and attached a kill switch so you can't take it off."
"Brilliant. We'll make a ton of money teachin mechanics how to fix it."
I pay 250 dollars a month in car insurance. I dont want to hear it.
Uh dude 130 yards forward and 170 over ain't 300.
You're looking for the Pythagorean Theorem, by which your ball was the square root of (130*130+170*170) which would be 214 yards. Unless your ball really did go straight and hang a 90 degree turn in midair. In which case I tip my hat to you.
In conclusion™, you suck at math. Golf, too but I won't say much about that since I can't even play miniature golf right.
Posted by: Tim the Michigander at August 12, 2003 02:17 PMBet any Pletcher horse that's running. He might only have one or two races but odds are he's going to be in the money. I don't know who's running up there right now, but I'm pretty sure Prado and Bailey will be there. They are always safe bets. Try to bet races with big purses, if you going to win any money, those are the ones to get after. If they are claiming races don't put too much money on any one horse unless its a lock. You can tell if its a lock by checking the speed rating, but I don't know if you know anything so I'll keep it simple. Get a green sheet and check out the picks on there. That's your best bet.
Posted by: Zach at August 12, 2003 02:37 PMBet the winner, not the price. Example, you think you know who's going to win but the the odds are lousy because it's been bet down. It doesn't mean he's not going to win.
Also, if the favorites won every race, there wouldn't be much too it. They don't. Look for the one behind the favorite.
Also, there is nothing wrong with a win bet. Real players bet to win.
Look for a drop in class.
Last but not least, roll your program up tight in your hand and beat it against the palm of your other hand. Get drunk and keep yelling, "How the fuck will I pay the mortgage."
Posted by: Paul at August 12, 2003 02:44 PMIn the program find the list of winningest jockeys for the season. Then bet the best jockey who's not riding the favorite. You want the #2 or #3 jockey on the 4-1 or 5-1 horse.
Posted by: Ted at August 12, 2003 02:54 PMOr you could just be yourself and bet on the jockey wearing the cutest uniform.
I can see you now: "Omigod, that pink and green just clashes!"
Posted by: Ted at August 12, 2003 02:55 PMGuys, thanks for the advice and all. But I have a place in saratoga, that I have been to every summer since the day I was born. I don't need a god damn green sheet:) But seriously, handicapping methods, anyone?
I always heard front speed in the rain because horses don't like getting mud kicked in their face. That's more the kind of advice i was looking for. Drop in class is always something to look for, thanks paul. But who bets to win? It's all about the daily double and the pick 3.
Gotta love Saratoga though. there's always an upset.
Posted by: Collins at August 12, 2003 02:56 PMDon't buy car insurance, that is stupid, I haven't had any for ten years and have saved $15,000. As I recall, you just bought a new Yugo (or something very similar) There is no point in insuring that because if you get into an accident you will be dead and the accident will be someone elses problem. If you need a policy number to get plates--you've already have one from the policy you have now--they don't check them, that would be too much like work and these are state employees. And not having insurance encourages you to drive more safely. I, for example, never drive wrecklessly at all except, of course, when I am drunk and then I drive extremely fast so as to get home before the cops spot me.
Posted by: Bart at August 12, 2003 03:33 PMWinners bet to win. I used to think it was a shitty bet too, but learned from pros. I spent a lot of time at the track, since I was a kid. It goes back to price. Yeah, an exacta will pay more. But a serious player always bets to win. It's easier to pick one winner than anything else. If it's bet down too much-I won't bet the race, or I'll bet a five dollar exacta or something just for fun.
Betting smart and playing to win is boring, which is why most people play trifecta's and DDs, etc. You take a shot at a bigger payoff. But believe me, a $20 win bet is the best bet at the track, if you know what your doing.
I also never saw a winner with a green sheet in his hand. Get a program at a local store before going to the track and take your time. Also, the people with the biggest mouths are the people with the most worthless paper strewn at their feet. The herd will always lose. If there is a clear crowd favorite-pick another horse.
Now I want to go.
Posted by: Paul at August 12, 2003 04:38 PMlol at Tim's golf comments. "Hangs a 90 degree turn in mid-air..."
I've had pool balls do that...usually on a shot where the target ball is less than an inch from the pocket...warped cue sticks, dontcha know.
Paul,
I dunno what you think I am, but this ain't the high rollers club over here. I play small bets, 2 bux 5 bux exactas, quinellas, pick 3's etc. I've had some success; my dad's a pretty good handicapper, he's just that guy. The guy who refuses to box his triples and comes in 1st 3rd 2nd and loses out on 5 grand. Last month he ran 1st 2nd and photoed for 4th on a triple that would've paid out 30 grand on 2 dollars and he had it 4 times. I've never seen a guy more pissed off about hitting a 300 dollar exacta.
definately gonna get a racing form the night before and do abit of handicapping. But i think we're going to the track on saturday, and its supposed to rain. I love playing the horses in the rain, there's always good value out there because people are trying to figure out who the "mudder" is every race.
Posted by: Collins at August 13, 2003 09:32 AM