May 27, 2003

Hello Strange Internet People!

Hello strange internet people! This is my blog. It's the greatest blog ever, cuz i friggin said so! Here you will find my deepest personal insights on such topics as politics, religion, oral hygeine, and enslaving the french. Since nobody will probably ever read this, I can pretty much say whatever I want, so time for you to learn a little bit about your author.

I am a 22 year old idjit from the suburbs, if you didn't catch that first sentence up there on the top of the page. I graduated with a B.A. in english from a state university in NY last May, to discover 2 things:

1. 98.6% of what I was taught throughout my academic career is a steaming pile of horseshit. That's 10 lbs of horseshit, in a 5 lb bag. And who the hell decided that pound started with the letter "L"? Fire that guy, and whoever sits next to him.

2. A B.A. in english doesn't qualify you to hold any job other than teaching english to others.

Nobody told me that shit when I signed up, I swear! Anyway, upon leaving the sheltered world that is college and entering reality, I discovered my standard issue opinion, right down there next to my asshole. So I figured I would share it with everyone immediately(my opinion, you sick, sick freaks). So here you will find it.

Things you might ask me:

Politics: Conservative I guess, but by default. I have yet to find a political party which matches my views, but conservative comes close enough; I'd say libertarian, but those crazy bastards all have guns and who wants to be lumped in with them!?!(just kidding don't shoot meh!)

Religion: Agnostic/Atheist. It varies by day. When it gets down to it there could be a God, for all I know. It's just as likely that there isn't. The one thing I am sure of, though, is that if there is a God, he isn't like the God described in the Koran, the Bible, those scrolls they found in those caves that time, or any other book written by angry old men many moons ago.

If there is a God, he doesn't care much about you. He doesn't care if you pray, he doesn't need you to worship him once a week, and he's damn sure too busy taking care of things you'll never understand to give you a new job or cure your sister's irritable bowel syndrome, so just leave the guy alone for chrissakes.

Abortion: I'm for choice. If you bust my balls about it, I may one day explain why this is. But I think abortion is something you either do or don't do, and you don't sit around scratching your ass instead of making a decision. 3rd trimester abortions=bad. Morning after pill=less bad, but not good either. Other forms of birth control=better. Abstinence: Much like communism, it looks good on paper, but these are human beings we're talking about.

Drugs: Drugs piss me off. You can't smoke a little pot here and there, but if the doc thinks you need a few vicotins for that back ache, its cool to get stoned all of a sudden?!? What kinda hypocrisy is that? Stop busting balls and arrest real criminals, like people who do crack and heroine.

Guns: I am literate, so I realize that owning a gun is a right granted to every citizen by the constitution. I'm not gonna have the militia debate either, so just save your shit and accept it. Does that mean i think any asshole should be able to own a small, hand-held nuclear weapon for his own personal enjoyment? Of course not, you fool. You want a gun, and you don't have a criminal record, more power to you. When you can convince me that its necessary to have a 50 mm chaingun mounted to the top of your hummer to hunt squirrel, maybe I'll join the NRA. Until then, I think people have the right to bitch for gun control, given the condition that they put a sign in their front lawn that says "I support gun control. This house is unarmed." If you do that, you prove you have a set big enough to support your beliefs, and it makes your opinion credible. Chuck Schumer screaming about automatic weapons while hiding behind his heavily armed bodyguard is another story for another day.

Okay, okay.

Chuck Schumer is a pussy. There, I said it.

Homos: I don't hate gay people. I will, on occasion, call things gay. I will call people fags, and mean it as a derogatory term. Does that make me a bigot? Probably. But I wouldn't fire or not hire someone because they were gay, I wouldn't try to hurt them in any way because they are gay, and I wouldn't call them a fag to their face unless I knew them pretty well. This goes with the next topic of your interest:

Minorities: Sorta the same as gay folk. I don't care what color you are, but I find racial slurs to be rather amusing. Except the n-bomb. That's just not cool. I consider myself a minority, even though they make me check whitey on all those boxes. Who reads those things anyway? Oh yeah, the racists do; nobody else cares. I'm Irish, we used to be the 2nd class citizens around here, the other white people used to think we were the missing link between ape and man. Luckily for us micks, people with different colored skin came around and took the heat off, and off we went to crackersville. Good work, brown/red/yellow/black people!

Gooberment: Those sons of bitches steal my money every week. All i'm saying is if you are gonna tax me 20% when I make it, and then another 8% when I spend it, then why don't you just cut the shit and charge me 28% off the bat! Every time I receive change that is not a multiple of 5, I get a little bit more pissedoff. You keep this shit up, and i'm voting for Al Sharpton and high-tailing it to Canada.

Posted by John at 05:22 PM | Comments (21)