Collinization

Incoming

So while I was up in Saratoga betting the mortgage on some nag in the 5th, my girlfriend went out to sleepy's super duper insane wicked awesome we're losing money by selling these things bed sale. That's the one where they raise their prices by 15% a month before hand and then bring them down 10% for 1 weekend and call it a sale, in case you were wondering. Oh and by the way, Paul, I did you proud and shouted crazy things at the end of every race. A few head turners were "Well son, I hope you didn't like your new room, because it looks like we're gonna be living in the RV again." And my personal favorite "I can't believe that piece of shit nag lost, after all the steroids I pumped into him". I did the "There goes the mortgage" a few times, but nobody seemed to care; I think that happens for real often enough around there.
Anyway back to my story. So my girlfriend was at the crazy Eddie would be proud mattress sale, and she bought me a full size bed with a box spring for like 200 bucks. I have never had anything but a twin sized bed my whole life, and I can't take it anymore. Lately I've been rolling out of bed in my sleep alot, and I don't like waking up by smacking my face against the wood floor. So she buys me the bed, and we decide that screw them and their delivery fees, we'll save 50 bucks and take it home ourselves. So she brings it over to her house, and yesterday I borrow my dad's SUV and go pick it up.
I ask my pops for something to tie the bed on the roof with - the mattress fits inside the cab, but the box spring is too wide and has to go on the roof. So he gives me this tiny little twine to tie it up with, and I look at him like he's fucking crazy. I mean I wouldn't tie newspapers up with this shit it was so flimsy looking. But he goes "don't worry, that's wax string, it has an incredibly high tensil stringth." Still skeptical, I take a piece in my hand and try to break it. My dad decides that he'll make a believer out of me yet, grabs the other end, and starts dragging me around the back yard by this tiny little twine. My dad's a big guy, he's about 6'2, probably up around 250 these days, and although not quite as big as him, i'm not exactly tiny myself. He pulls me around by this twine for a while and I'm convinced that you could use it to hang someone by the time we're done. So I go down, pick up the bed, and tie it up with the string. My girlfriend is quite skeptical herself of this scrawny piece of yarn, but I tell her don't worry it will hold. So we get to driving, and everything's fine. Down the main road onto the highway I go. I get up to about 55, and I'm waiting to feel the bed start shaking up there, but it's holding strong. I start thinking to myself "wow, this shit really is strong" and then I hear a loud fucking pop and bombs away; there goes the box spring. The guy behind me must have been a sick driver, because he pulls this awesome manuever and dodges the thing. I was quite impressed. Anyway did I mention it was 6:30 and the road was fuckin packed? Well it was. I'm shitting a brick at this point because I'm just waiting for a semi to either crush the fucking thing or jacknife trying to avoid it and kill like 70 people, which is always good for the old car insurance rates. So I pull over and I see my new box spring sitting in the right lane, cars ducking and dodging and almost wiping out trying to get out of the way. I run down there, and wait for my opportunity. The right lane has an empty stretch, so I run out into the highway and grab the shit, and drag it off to the side. Okay, so I got the box spring, now what the hell do I do?
I call my buddy and ask him to bring down his work van. He's laughing his ass off as I tell him the story. I mean seriously, this kid was losing it on the phone, i think he dropped it he was laughing so hard. So he says he's coming, and while i'm sitting there waiting for him a cop pulls up. I tell him what happened, and he takes a look at the tiny string I had the bed tied up with and he starts laughing. He looks at me like the retard that I am, shakes his head, and drives away. Thanks officer, way to protect and serve. If that wasn't enough, I turned around and off the shoulder of the highway, through some trees and over a side road, there is a huge sleepy's mattress outlet. What are the odds of that shit?
So my buddy gets there, we throw the box spring in his van and we're off. I get home and tell my dad what happens, and with a straight face he looks at me and says "Obviously, you didn't tie it up right." Bastard. So anyway, now that it's all over I guess this was a good experience for me. Nobody will ever ask me to help them move again.