August 20, 2003


So while I was up in Saratoga betting the mortgage on some nag in the 5th, my girlfriend went out to sleepy's super duper insane wicked awesome we're losing money by selling these things bed sale. That's the one where they raise their prices by 15% a month before hand and then bring them down 10% for 1 weekend and call it a sale, in case you were wondering. Oh and by the way, Paul, I did you proud and shouted crazy things at the end of every race. A few head turners were "Well son, I hope you didn't like your new room, because it looks like we're gonna be living in the RV again." And my personal favorite "I can't believe that piece of shit nag lost, after all the steroids I pumped into him". I did the "There goes the mortgage" a few times, but nobody seemed to care; I think that happens for real often enough around there.
Anyway back to my story. So my girlfriend was at the crazy Eddie would be proud mattress sale, and she bought me a full size bed with a box spring for like 200 bucks. I have never had anything but a twin sized bed my whole life, and I can't take it anymore. Lately I've been rolling out of bed in my sleep alot, and I don't like waking up by smacking my face against the wood floor. So she buys me the bed, and we decide that screw them and their delivery fees, we'll save 50 bucks and take it home ourselves. So she brings it over to her house, and yesterday I borrow my dad's SUV and go pick it up.
I ask my pops for something to tie the bed on the roof with - the mattress fits inside the cab, but the box spring is too wide and has to go on the roof. So he gives me this tiny little twine to tie it up with, and I look at him like he's fucking crazy. I mean I wouldn't tie newspapers up with this shit it was so flimsy looking. But he goes "don't worry, that's wax string, it has an incredibly high tensil stringth." Still skeptical, I take a piece in my hand and try to break it. My dad decides that he'll make a believer out of me yet, grabs the other end, and starts dragging me around the back yard by this tiny little twine. My dad's a big guy, he's about 6'2, probably up around 250 these days, and although not quite as big as him, i'm not exactly tiny myself. He pulls me around by this twine for a while and I'm convinced that you could use it to hang someone by the time we're done. So I go down, pick up the bed, and tie it up with the string. My girlfriend is quite skeptical herself of this scrawny piece of yarn, but I tell her don't worry it will hold. So we get to driving, and everything's fine. Down the main road onto the highway I go. I get up to about 55, and I'm waiting to feel the bed start shaking up there, but it's holding strong. I start thinking to myself "wow, this shit really is strong" and then I hear a loud fucking pop and bombs away; there goes the box spring. The guy behind me must have been a sick driver, because he pulls this awesome manuever and dodges the thing. I was quite impressed. Anyway did I mention it was 6:30 and the road was fuckin packed? Well it was. I'm shitting a brick at this point because I'm just waiting for a semi to either crush the fucking thing or jacknife trying to avoid it and kill like 70 people, which is always good for the old car insurance rates. So I pull over and I see my new box spring sitting in the right lane, cars ducking and dodging and almost wiping out trying to get out of the way. I run down there, and wait for my opportunity. The right lane has an empty stretch, so I run out into the highway and grab the shit, and drag it off to the side. Okay, so I got the box spring, now what the hell do I do?
I call my buddy and ask him to bring down his work van. He's laughing his ass off as I tell him the story. I mean seriously, this kid was losing it on the phone, i think he dropped it he was laughing so hard. So he says he's coming, and while i'm sitting there waiting for him a cop pulls up. I tell him what happened, and he takes a look at the tiny string I had the bed tied up with and he starts laughing. He looks at me like the retard that I am, shakes his head, and drives away. Thanks officer, way to protect and serve. If that wasn't enough, I turned around and off the shoulder of the highway, through some trees and over a side road, there is a huge sleepy's mattress outlet. What are the odds of that shit?
So my buddy gets there, we throw the box spring in his van and we're off. I get home and tell my dad what happens, and with a straight face he looks at me and says "Obviously, you didn't tie it up right." Bastard. So anyway, now that it's all over I guess this was a good experience for me. Nobody will ever ask me to help them move again.

Posted by John at August 20, 2003 10:17 AM

Maybe you would have had better luck with dental floss.....

Posted by: Susie at August 20, 2003 11:48 AM

twisty-ties. lots and lots of twisty-ties.

Posted by: Ted at August 20, 2003 12:07 PM

Holy crap - that is so funny. LOL

Posted by: Kate at August 20, 2003 01:38 PM

haha!!!!! excellent!!!

note to self: when you move, buy extra-strength rope and bungi cords, erin

Posted by: erin at August 20, 2003 02:36 PM

Velcro might have been stronger. :)

Posted by: Claudia at August 20, 2003 04:36 PM

Son, next time go with the duct tape.

Posted by: Wind Rider at August 20, 2003 05:29 PM


Dads! Gotta love 'em.

Posted by: annika at August 20, 2003 08:22 PM

String doesn't typically fail in pure tension; it fails when pulled around a tight radius like around itself. There is a way of wrapping string around your hand which facilitates breaking it, but I couldn't describe it and have no idea how to search for it online. Many knots, particularly fishing knots, are designed to avoid this kind of loading, so in a sense your dad was right that you didn't tie it right. Myself, I use bungee cords - lots of bungee cords, when hauling stuff on the roof, and I stay off the highway.

Posted by: triticale at August 20, 2003 08:57 PM

This is the funniest thing I've ever read involving a bed, a girlfriend, and string.

Posted by: a different Bill at August 20, 2003 09:46 PM

You could've done like that Tampax commercial, and tied a bunch of tampons end to end to use as a rope. Just as long as it didn't rain. ;)

Posted by: Dana at August 20, 2003 11:04 PM

ok that tampon thing was just foul:)

Posted by: Collins at August 20, 2003 11:26 PM

Dude, you just got "PUNK'D" by your Dad!!!

Posted by: jim at August 21, 2003 04:15 AM

I'm trying to visualize 'triticale' hauling something on the roof and "staying off the highway." Isn't that a bit hard on the vehicle's suspension and undercarriage?

Posted by: 49erDweet at August 21, 2003 09:42 AM

Did you do this about five years ago, with a big mirror, on the Post Road between Westport and Fairfield, CT?

Posted by: Ed Flinn at August 21, 2003 02:46 PM

I stay off the highway when hauling stuff on the roof by the simple expedient of driving city streets with speed limits slow enough not to blow things off.

Posted by: triticale at August 21, 2003 06:11 PM

I once bought some dining room chairs (packed 2 per box)and tried to bring them home in the back of my s-10 pickup.The boxes were kinda tall and stuck up about a foot above the roof of the cab but since I had to smash the boxes a little to get the tailgate closed I figured ther was no way they would come out.BUZZ!!!!! WRONG ANSWER!!!!!.Get some motorcycle type tiedowns and USE THEM EVERY TIME YOU MOVE SOMETHING.Those web type bungee things are ok but not single cords

Posted by: clutch at August 24, 2003 05:17 AM
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