August 22, 2003

Last Time I Got In a Fight

The last time I was in a fight was a funny thing actually. It was on halloween about 3 years ago. Me and a bunch of guys up at school got dressed up and went to bar for a costume contest. Me and three friends dressed up as South Park, 2 other friends went as the hardy boys, and my other friend just put a shirt on that said "I'm Sixteen" because he's a lazy alcoholic. So we went to our regular bar, the weeknight hangout: this place was a real shithole, but it was great. The crowd was all regulars, and everyone just sat around, drank shitty beer and played darts. It may have been the best wednesday night bar ever.

So we go down to this bar for halloween and they have a contest for scariest costume, prize is 100 dollars in liquor. They also have 50 cent pitchers till 12, so the place is fuckin packed. We ended up winning scariest prize for south park, basically cuz we really looked alot like south park(even cartman was a fat kid) and we knew everyone there. So our 100 dollar prize turned into drinking for free all night, and then we did 100 dollars worth of shots right before the bar closed. We got trashed, and then they started kicking people out. We all decided to head back to our apartment and uhm, smoke cigarettes.

So I walked out and I guess the rest of them ended up staying and saying goodbye to everyone, so I was a little ahead of everybody. Like I said it was last call, so they had kicked everyone out of the bar, and all the other bars were emptying out, so the streets were pretty packed. So I'm walking along, and there's groups of kids all over the sidewalk walking, and tons of people are wearing costumes so nobody knows what the hell is going on. All of a sudden like 10 feet in front of me, in the middle of an intersection, a brawl breaks out between like 6 kids, and I didn't know a single one of them.

Now keep in mind im wasted and its 4 am. Normally I would stand to the side and watch these kids fight it out, because hey, watching people get hurt is fun and rewarding. But I can't really see too well after all the shots, and im wearing a big orange Kenny hood so my field of vision is severely restricted to a circle in front of me. So I'm just like whatever, let them beat the shit out of each other. I walk right through the middle of this fight like it's not even going on, cuz that's the way to my apartment. Now I have no peripheral vision, so I don't know what's going on, but my friends are half a block behind me and i'm all alone. All of a sudden BAM! I get cold-cocked in the side of the head. Johnny no likee. I guess one of the kids thought I was jumping in for the other group of kids and decided to take the first shot. Bad idea.

So I look up and I see this scrawny bastard take another swing at me. I grab this kid by the front of his shirt and just crank him in the balls with my knee, as hard as i've ever hit anyone in my life. Yeah I fight dirty sometimes, whatofit!?! He dropped like a rock, and sat their squealing like the little sucker punch bitch that he was. While this is going on, the other three kids who aren't friends with the kid who yoked me took off running. They were getting the shit kicked out of them, and I was a great distraction. After all they didn't know me; what the fuck did they care if I got jumped instead of them?

So now it's me, numbnuts on the ground there, and 2 guys I don't know and don't have a problem with. One of them was my size, and the other dude was a big fucker like 6'3 or 6'4, muscular but fat from drinking, you know the type of guy im talking about. But I drank a shitload of Jameson and I just got hit in the head, so I'm pissed drunk and just pissed. Rather than doing the smart thing, though, and fight with one of the standing kids, I just started kicking the kid on the ground. In the chest, in the face, whatever. I was just stompin in my airrr ferrrcee onnnes. So I kick suckerpunch like twice, and one of his buddies finally grabs me. Rather than hit me, like a normal person, he just gets in my face and starts yelling. I dunno what he was thinking doing that, when he had 3 on 1 odds, but that was his big plan I guess, to yell. His friend had other ideas, and cracks me in the ribs. I figure at this point i'm gonna get my ass kicked, so I just start swinging. I hit the big dude in the head, which was probably a bad idea because one on one he would've kicked the shit out of me, or at least he looked like he would've. You never know with those guys though, because alot of them don't know how to fight; they never got tested, so they never had to learn. So I hit this dude in the temple, and he stumbles a step to the left, and out of my limited view. Then BAM! Out of fucking nowhere he gets formed tackled to the ground by the fat kid dressed like Cartman. I look up just to see his other friend get crunched, and i mean CRUNCHED in the jaw by the kid dressed like Matt Hardy. He was probably the strongest guy out of all of us, and he hit this kid full force with a running start, and down he went. The rest of my friends were close in tow. We gave these three kids the most savage beating I have ever been a part of.

So finally the three kids are all on the ground, and after we kicked them a bunch of times for good measure, we're like fuck it and start walking away. Well, almost all of us. Cartman refused to leave, he looks up to us and says "You guys go ahead, i'll meet you back there. I'm gonna stay here and kick this kid for a while." And I shit you not, Cartman sat there and kicked these three kids on the ground while we walked back to my apartment. Funny stuff, we were all on a big kick for the movie "The Big Lebowski" at that time. So as we're walking away, we hear my buddy dressed like Cartman, screaming at the top of his lungs while he's beating these kids "Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens Larry!?! Do you see what happens when you try to fuck a stranger in the ass!?! This is what happens Larry! This is what happens when you try to fuck a stranger in the ass!"

He walked in like 5 minutes after us with a big smile on his face. The poor bastards woke up the next morning and said "damn, we got the shit kicked out of us by the guys from South Park."

Looking back, I'd say the funniest part of the whole thing was that I didn't know any of the kids involved and had nothing to do with the fight. I was the one in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I got popped in the head for being stupid. Unfortunately for Karma, I have a big thick irish skull, and I don't like being hit in it. That's why you should always know who you're dealing with if your going to suckerpunch somebody. A lesson in life from Collinization.

Posted by John at August 22, 2003 04:20 PM

Ha! That's great. My last fight was when I was in the Navy and this asshole that worked opposite me left something broke for like the 100th time.

See, I worked in the engine room where the thermometer stuck 3 inches inside the air vent read 99 degrees and if it ever reached 100 we had to stick it another inch up the vent. There are big valves near the ceiling that you can't get to unless you climb up into a mess of steam pipes where it is dirty slippery and the ambient temperature is somewhere around 160. On top of that, the high pressure steam in the pipes runs about 600 degrees, so every piece of exposed metal around you is just waiting to burn off little pieces of your flesh. So we attach what is called a reach rod onto these valves so you can stand on the floor where it's a nice cool 110 degrees and operate the valve.
When shutting down a boiler, you've only got so much time to get things done before stuff can go really, really wrong. There was one reach rod that kept breaking on us every time the valve would reach fully open or fully closed. Fixing it was as much a pain as climbing up to operate the valve directly. One day I went to close the valve and found it had been left broken. While closing the valve directly, I got a huge burn on my arm from when I slipped and fell into a steam line bracket. When I was done, I went upstairs and woke that bastard up out of bed and told him to get his ass downstairs.

When he got there, he decides that I need my ass kicked for waking him up in the middle of his sleep time. By all accounts I was winning the fight until I pushed him off of me. Then occured one of those moments of clarity when I realized how stupid we were being. I dropped my hands and looked down at the floor. The next thing I know I am picking myself up off of it. 13 stitches in my lip later I am trying to convince my division officer that I slipped on the stairs.

This guy is probably dead by now, but that's because he kept borrowing money from people and not paying them back. One day we literally had 3 people come looking for him (separately) because they had each given him a deposit on his car and they were wanting to get the title from him. He was selling his car to pay off people threatening to break his legs.

Posted by: a different Bill at August 22, 2003 05:27 PM

See, I throw a few ideas out and you're rollin in it.

Good story. You too other Bill. I can't post mine because it's not funny. Just violent. I will gladly take lip all day, but when someone touches me, I become the aggressor. And I was taught by three seperate individuals that all basically said, "BUT...if you are struck, make them think the devil himself showed up and beat them so severely that they never bother another pieceful living soul again."

It's happened a few times, but not for many years.

Posted by: Paul at August 22, 2003 05:36 PM

get to stompin' in my err force ones...

I said give me two perr/i need two perr/SO I, can get to stompin' in my err force ones (Big Boy)/get to stompin' in my err force ones

Posted by: glenn at August 22, 2003 05:44 PM

ahhh..good story. Did you really knee him in the groin??? that is low. I hope you at least asked him "trick or treat first??"

Posted by: JIm at August 23, 2003 08:04 AM

Your damn right i kneed him in the balls. I probably kicked him in the balls a few times when he was on the ground too. Normally that's not cool, but the guy sucker punched me when i wasn't looking so he gets what he deserves.

Posted by: Collins at August 23, 2003 11:55 AM

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Posted by: gay twinks at July 17, 2005 04:41 PM

Did you really kick him in the balls?

Posted by: Jim at November 6, 2005 08:07 PM
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