April 12, 2005

The Million Dollar Questions

In the last few weeks I have compiled a list of questions that, when answered honestly, will reveal the true character of any person. And not a general idea either, like a real solid line of exactly what kind of person you are. I invite you to answer them on your comments or on your own blogs (cuz I know you got nuthin'). These are monetary questions, and I ask you to include in the yes answers the actual lowest amount you would accept for these tasks:

#1. Would you punch your grandmother in the face for 1 million dollars?

#2. Would you let someone piss in your mouth for 1 million dollars?

#3.A. Would you let someone take a shit on your chest for 2 million dollars?

#3.B. What if nobody would know about it?

#3.C. What if EVERYBODY would know about it, with pictures?

#4.A. Would you let someone take a shit in your mouth for 5 million dollars?

#4.B. What if nobody would know about it?

#4.C. What if EVERBODY would know about it?
(yeah you would look at the picture wouldn't you, you sick fuck)

#5. Would you willingly contract:
A. genital worts for 5 million dollars?
B. oral herpes for 8 million dollars?
C. genital herpes for 10 million dollars?

As an aside, there is a debate as to which should be worth more, genital herpes or oral herpes; the argument being that oral herpes would be visible to everyone. I say look up genital herpes pics on the internet and there is NO QUESTION about which is worse.

#7. Would you willingly contract:
A. Crabs for $1,000?
B. The clap for $25,000?
C. Syphillis for $100,000?

Again, answer honestly. My answers will follow, as well as the best answers I get. There's no way anyone is going to beat this one guy though. I'll also analyze some people's answers to give you an idea about just how deep this info can get you into someone's psyche. Points will be awarded for the leaderboard as well. Remember, scoring is completely at my whim and reflects absolutely nothing.

Im interested to see Paul's answers.

Posted by John at 12:22 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

April 11, 2005

I guess I should Post something

Yeah so its been a few weeks, and I feel obligated to like, post something here. It's not that I have nothing to talk about (yes it is), it's just that I've been really busy.

Take Saturday for example. I went to the Yankee game. In the parking lot, I went to take a piss behind a big cement thing in the corner. So I water the broken syringes and crack vials back there (its the Bronx after all), and zip up. As I turn around, a cop pulls up on a bicycle and yells "Yo!" at me.

So busted.

I'm standing there completely red handed; not even gonna TRY to talk my way out of this, that's how bad he got me. The cop gives me that death stare for 5 seconds, You know, where you feel like if you flinch, he's gonna shoot you in the face with a taser, just cuz he can get away with it? And he goes "Nah, I'm just fuckin with you" and rides away laughing. That's what kinda day it was.

So after I got completely hammered and couldn't see the game straight, I went home and took a nap. Then I went out to a bar with...get this...a mechanical friggin bull. That's right. It was the best bar evar. EVAR!

Why? Lets see...aside from the obvious bull-related hilarity, which was plentiful, I saw a chick punch another chick in the face. Not a girl-punch either,(no offense ladies but you know what im talkin about) I mean a real, square-up-knuckle-up-rotate-at-the-hip-and-twist-your-shoulders punch in the grill.
BAM! Dropped the other chick like a bag of rocks. And the girl who threw the punch was hot. Like, real hot. Like top 3 hottest girls at the bar hot. I've never been so turned on in my life. Obviously I had to go rub one out in the bathroom.

I go into the bathroom, and I can't even whack my bag because the stall's full. Who's in the stall, you ask? 2 people having sex, thats who! In the bathroom of the bar! Did I mention that there was no door on the stall? The slut didn't seem to mind though.

As an aside, I'm as whorish as the next guy. And we're all whores, ladies. But I have to believe that even I would be reluctant to have sex with a girl in a bathroom stall of a bar, door or not. It's not so much a embarrassment thing, I mean what's embarrassing about getting laid? I would definitely have reservations about meeting a girl and having sex with her in the bathroom, because you probably shouldn't be having sex with a girl who is willing to do that. I mean, the parking lot is one thing, but the stall is like a whole new level of STDification.

I would have a MAJOR issue with having sex with a girl I already knew in the stall of a bathroom of a bar as well. A nice restaurant, train, plane, or other such establishment would probably swing, but not a bar; and certainly not a bar with a bathroom as disgusting as this one. If a girl I was dating asked me to go lay some pipe in the bathroom of a bar, I would probably break up with her on the spot. You bitches are filthy animals sometimes.

Speaking of filthy animals, when I got back from the head, there were 3 girls on the bull making out with each other. They definitely lasted longer than anyone else who got on the thing, not that anyone was complaining. FILTHY. ANIMALS.

The pandemonium continued until they threw us out of the place. But the fun didn't stop there; oh no. For a night cap, we pulled over on the side of the highway at 4 AM so my friend could go take a shit in the woods. Yes, he dropped trough in the bushes on the side of the LIE. In the words of Keith Olberman, "Ive never seen that!"

I don't really know how to wrap this up, so I'll just say this:

When people asked me "how was your weekend?" today at work, they didn't get the answer they were expecting.

Posted by John at 11:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack