Today, I have a new hero, and his name is Pat O'Brien.
If you haven't heard this, go get it at www.foundrymusic.com You can't hear about it from somebody, and there's no way in hell this will EVER make it through any kind of media outlet other than O&A on satellite radio. It would just be one long bleep. So you have to download it. YOU GO! YOU GO NOW!
Oh. My. God. As you are already aware, I am a raunchy bastard. But this guy here makes me look like Mary Poppins. I mean seriously, this shit is right out of a Jay and Silent Bob movie.
"Hey baby you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in a trenchcoat?" Kid stuff. Seriously. Go. Get. This.
He calls this poor girl 6 times in the course of 2 hours. One voicemail is at 7:48 and the next is at 7:51. He tells her he wants to watch her eat his girlfriend out while he pounds her from behind. Did I mention Pat is married? Did I mention he's like 50 years old and was once a well respected journalist?
Oh sweet irony, that the reporter for the show about celebrity scandals has a tape floating around the internet of him telling his intern he wants to lick her asshole, after they buy some coke and a hooker. Go. Get. This.
But...you have to be into Betsy.
So I went to an irish pub on saturday, and the damndest thing happened to me. Hangin out, drinkin a couple of chardonnays and whathaveyou, the usual stuff. About midnight or so I go to take a piss.
So i get in there and its a tight little bathroom with a urinal and a stall right behind it, maybe 4 feet wide. So im standing there, I'd say im about 73% in the bag at this point(give or take 27%), and the door to the stall opens.
So here I am, drunk, in this tiny little bathroom with my dick in my hand, and this hot (and i mean HOT) chick comes out of the stall. So I look over at her, look back in front of me to make sure it was really a urinal and not the sink, and I say "Looks like one of us had the wrong door." She puts her hand on my shoulder, leans into my ear and says "sorry" and then brushes passed me, draggin her tits across my back. And I mean unneccessarily dragging; there was room. So just as im about to think of something completely retarded to say and fuck the whole thing up, she coughs a little bit and spits in the sink. Then she looks at me again, giggles, sniffles and wipes her nose, and walks out of the pisser. Then i turn and look and the toilet seat's up.
Now of course your first reaction, like mine, is a nasty ace ventura-esque "Your gun is digging into my hip". But lets review: Stall closed + toilet seat up + hot girl talking to me + spit + sniffle = coke slut. What a shame.
Work till 6:30, gym till 8:00, bed by 10. Wipe hands on pants. Repeat.
Yeah I have a life.
Dear Syracuse,
You suck.
Love,
Vermont
Dear Kansas,
You REALLY Suck.
Love,
Bucknell
Well, my brackets are fucked. How bout you?
John Collins
Rating: 89 % (of 9 votes)
Ingredients: 1.0 each Cherry
0.5 each Juice of Lemon
1.0 slice Orange
2.0 oz. Blended Rye/Whiskey
1.0 tsp Powdered Sugar
1.0 fill with Carbonated Water
Directions: Shake blended whiskey, juice of lemon, and powdered sugar with ice and strain into a collins glass over ice cubes. Fill with carbonated water and stir. Add the orange slice, top with the cherry, and serve.
It's Patty's day and I'm irish. You HAVE to drink one.
Disclaimer: The following is fact, not opinion. If you disagree, you're fuckin wrong.
Without further ado, here, in order, are the top 10 most quotable movies of all time:
#10. Half Baked - "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you. I'm out."
You wish you had the balls to quit a job like that. It's like number 4 on my list of things to do before I die.
#9. Caddyshack - "It's...it's in the hole!"
Prom night will never be the same.
#8 Goodfellas - "Now go get your fuckin' shinebox!"
I'm not sure I'll ever hear a phrase as demeaning as this. I said it to a guy once when I cracked his full boat with 4 of a kind, knocking him out of a poker tournament. He waited for me in the parking lot...for 3 and a half hours. It's that good. But that's a story for another day.
#7. Office Space - "What would you do if you had a million dollars?
I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man."
Absolutely.
#6. Super Troopers - "Dude, you ate like, 150 dollars worth of weed man! (hi-five) And like an eigth of mushrooms! ...So uhm, i'm gonna need that 200 dollars for the weed and those shrooms.
That is NOT cool, man."
#5. Anchorman - "Tell me about it. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it.
I'm sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel."
There's so many good lines in this movie it was tough to pick one to put up here.
#4. Old School - "Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man."
I'm gonna hear(or say) this at every bachelor party I attend for the rest of my life. Woe is the poor bastard who says it into the wedding video.
#3. Major League "Alot of these guys are passed their prime. Most of these guys never had a prime. Well this guy here is DEAD!!! So cross him off then!"
Classic. I say this every day.
#2. The Big Lebowski - "Obviously, you are not a golfer."
The beauty of this movie is it's cult status. Say this in a group of people, and maybe 1/3rd of them will bust out laughing, and the rest of them will look at you like your fuckin crazy. Try it out.
And of course, the undisputed champion:
#1. Tommy Boy - "I was just checkin the specs on the rotary gerders....I'm retarded."
Every single line of this movie is hysterical; you can't pick just one.
So there you have it, that's the list. You could probably make a case for Major League 2 and Black Sheep, but Black Sheep is just Tommy Boy 2 anyway so it's kinda up there. You'll see lines from all these movies throughout my posts so go do your homework or you won't get the insiders.
Here's a quote from our buddy Rocket Jones:
"Yesterday evening I made a loaf. Problem was, when I got home this afternoon, the house apes had gotten into it and half the loaf was gone. So I whomped up another - bigger - loaf this evening. Before it had cooled I'd sliced it up and tore a heap of it into chunks for tomorrows bread pudding. A good half dozen slices are left over, and I'm thinking peanut butter and orange marmalade for lunch tomorrow.
Good thing I get up earlier than the kids, or there probably wouldn't be any left. "
Maybe I don't want Mookie's number after all....
So that's my warm fuckin welcome huh?
I see how it is. I shovel shit for two god damn years to drag my ass back here, and this is what I get. My favorite target of abuse is gone, and now I have to settle for friggin Paul and Ted to harass? What's the fun in that? It's like playing dodgeball at fat camp. I declare shenanigans.
On the bright side, I won my Wednesday night poker game(did I mention I'm completely addicted to texas hold'em?) and tomorrow's St. Patricks day, as well as the first day of the tourney. Assuming I arrive at the bar at noon, the over under on how long it takes me to blow this 200 bucks is 12:41, although I do anticipate heavy betting on the under, so the line might get as low as 12:07. If you're lucky i'll stumble home and leave drunken comments full of profanity and broken english on your sites around 3 a.m. IF you're lucky. I'm also torturing Boston fans over here, and we're just getting warmed up. On top of that, Jen, Susie and Rachel all want my hammer. It's been a good day, no thanks to the rest of you mopes.