Marquell Blackwell, an undrafted rookie out of Florida, was placed on the Jets like 3 days ago. Last night, he came in and ran their offense like he had been there for years. He hit everyone right in the hands. He was mobile in the pocket. He read the defense extremely well, and it was the Eagles defense, who makes their living by confusing the shit out of veteran quarterbacks. Granted it was their backup squad, but they were still running the same soft zone, which is really a trap zone of sorts. But he didn't throw any picks, marched the team down the field, and he throws an excellent ball. They were saying he might make the practice team this year. I say sign the fuckin guy. He looked better than Bollinger has looked, he looked better than Hasek, and I haven't seen Martin in a Jet uniform yet, but from what I saw of him on the Rams, he sucks. Get this guy a contract, pronto.
Speaking of contracts, we lost Laverneus Coles in the offseason. Fine. So we go out and get who, Curtis Conway? Why didn't the Jets go after David Boston, a nasty receiver for the Cardinals, who is now wasting his career away on the go nowhere Chargers. Why isn't he wearing green? Why? Because the Jet front office sucks, that's why. That's why Marquell Blackwell won't have a contract this year. That's why Ray Mickens is still playing professional football. Seriously Terry Bradshaw, what the fuck!?!
So I wake up this morning to go to work, and there's a 2 foot wide ditch at the end of my driveway. It turns out they are doing some kind of work on the street in front of my house, putting in a sidewalk or god knows what stupid shit. So anyway, I go out there and there's this 2 foot wide ditch thats about 1.5 feet deep, right at the end of my driveway. I don't exactly leave a big window between when I leave the house and when I'm supposed to be at work, so I'm definately going to be late now. So I go out there, and I ask for the foreman. This crazy old man, probably in his late 50's early 60's comes over to me. He looks at me and says:
"What do you need?"
"Well, I need to get out of my driveway."
"Oh. Well I knocked on your door 2 or 3 times this morning."
"That's great."
"Well, you didn't answer."
"That's great."
"So what do you want me to do?"
"I don't care what you do, but I need to get out of my driveway."
"I told you I knocked on your door and you didn't answer."
"And I told you that's great. I still need to get out of my driveway though."
"Look pal, you can't just walk out here and expect us to drop what we're doing to let you out of your driveway."
"Listen, buddy, I don't give a shit if you were standing outside my house with a fucking bullhorn screaming my name. I need to get out of my driveway and get to work. See unlike you, I don't work for the government, so they will actually fire me if I don't show up. Now I don't care what the hell you gotta do, but I gotta get out of my driveway."
"Well, you're going to have to wait."
"No. I'm not going to have to wait. You're going to have to stop whatever the hell you're doing here, and let me out of the driveway."
"Listen buddy, we're in the middle of something here. You're going to have to wait. I knocked on your door and you didn't answer, that's not my fault."
He's yelling at this point. I'm not amused.
"Hey jerkoff, like I said, that's fucking great that you knocked on my door this morning. What about yesterday!?! What about last god damn night before you left? What about last fucking week? Are you trying to tell me that you didn't know before you got here this morning that you were gonna be digging a god damn ditch in front of my house? How the hell did you get the backhoe here if you didn't know what you were gonna be doing?"
"I told you, you're going to have to WAIT."
He poked me in the chest as he said wait.
"Listen you stupid bastard, if you touch me again, i'll split your fuckin wig. Now you do whatever it is you gotta do, but you better figure out a way to get my car out of my driveway, or we're gonna have a serious problem here."
The guy is bright red at this point. He looks like he's about to knock me in the head. But at this point, another guy walks over wearing a shirt and tie.
"What's the problem here?"
"I need to get out of my driveway."
"Okay, Tony get the backhoe over here and fill in the hole."
"I knocked on his door this morning, and he didn't answer."
"I don't care. Get the backhoe over here and fill in the hole."
"But-"
"I don't care. Get the backhoe over here and fill in the hole.(looks at me)
Sorry for the inconvenience, we'll have you out of here in a few minutes."
"Thank you sir."
Tony gave me the death stare the entire time as I walked to my car. I really can't believe they didn't leave a note, or call my house, or do something before that morning to tell me that they were gonna be doing that shit. I'm not an unreasonable person; if I would've known ahead of time, I would've parked around the block or something. But you're gonna knock on my door at 7 am to tell me that I need to move my car? Go fuck yourself. It's a good thing that guy was there though, or else I would have a black eye and Tony would have a 7 iron wrapped around his dome. Rediculous.
There was once a man. A quarterback. He played on a team full of nobodies in a nobody league that everyone thought would fold. He played his heart out every time, and the people loved him, even though they hardly won.
And then one year, everyone thought it was over. "He's too old" the people said. "He has nobody to throw the ball to". There was a new hotshot quarterback in town that everyone loved, and people said his career was over. So what did he do? He took the entire team on his shoulders, and he won. He picked up his team and carried them on his back, on two bad knees, into the playoffs. And when he got there he won some more.
Then it came time for the big game. Nobody gave the quarterback a snowball's chance in hell of winning the game. After all, he was playing against the greatest quarterback of all time. So the day before the game, the quarterback had enough of that. He came out and guarenteed victory. And the next day, Broadway Joe Namath led the Jets to victory over Johnny Unitas and the Colts in Super Bowl 3.
There was once a man. A quarterback. He played on a team full of nobodies in a league full of shining stars. He stood tall through all his 3 and 13 seasons, and in the twilight of his career, made a few runs at the big prize. But it wasn't to be; he choked in the big game. Bruised, battered, and over the hill, he fell into the backup roll when the new hotshot kid came to town. With the same dignity and class that carried him through all those losing seasons, he accepted his role as backup, and chose to help the future of his team.
And then one day it happened. The kid went down, and he went down hard. The fans cried and wrote the season off, what could they do without their new star? Nobody believed in the old man anymore. Except the old man himself. He took the team on his shoulders, and at an age where everyone said he should hang it up; should've retired long ago, he took them to a whole new level of greatness. He carried them through the regular season, into the playoffs. He walked into the lion's den, where his team had met defeat so many years before, and scored a victory over the Oakland Raiders. Then he went to the Superbowl, and against the very team who took down that hotshot kid, Vinnie Testaverde led the Jets to glory. And that's the story of how the Jets beat the Giants in Superbowl XXXVIII.
It could happen.
Derrick wants to know:
"I was thinking about a career change. I am a lawyer now, but I want to be a goat herder. Do you think it will work out? Would porn star be better?"
A career change is definately in your future Derrick. But since your already a lawyer, you can rule out porn-star, as going from fucking people in the ass to fucking people in the ass isn't a real career change as far as the Universe is concerned. Goat herder may be more to your liking, as you have the razor sharp wit required to keep Wile E. Coyote at bay. You will also change your name to Balke Bartokimos and do the dance of joy. Your lucky number is 8.74358743587435.....
Glenn wonders:
"I'm currently involved in a war of sorts with an overrated, racist, puppyblending college professor. How will this turn out?"
Victory is inevitable as poor struggle to overthrow the wealthy. At least that's what the communists thought, and we all saw how that turned out. But your side is that of the righteous, and the good guys always win because this is America, where the good guys also cheat. But it will not be without great sacrifice: as the token ethnicity, your fate is doomed. Everyone knows that the black guy always dies before the good white guy can triumph over the evil white guy and get the hot white chick, who probably would've chosen the black guy over the white guy had he not been killed by said evil white guy. So you can either win the blog war, or you can get a sweet piece of ass, but not both. Choose wisely. Your lucky number is 1,254,933,004.
A different Bill, who has a weird name, asks:
"I am about to go read Bill's blog, any chance I will find something entertaining there? Or will he still be whining about his wife getting hit on by sexy bloggers more than he is?"
Although i'm sure you will find much whining over at Bill's, there is the offhand chance that you may also find a link to me. Since I am superiorly entertaining, the answer is both. Your lucky number is 2.
The last time I was in a fight was a funny thing actually. It was on halloween about 3 years ago. Me and a bunch of guys up at school got dressed up and went to bar for a costume contest. Me and three friends dressed up as South Park, 2 other friends went as the hardy boys, and my other friend just put a shirt on that said "I'm Sixteen" because he's a lazy alcoholic. So we went to our regular bar, the weeknight hangout: this place was a real shithole, but it was great. The crowd was all regulars, and everyone just sat around, drank shitty beer and played darts. It may have been the best wednesday night bar ever.
So we go down to this bar for halloween and they have a contest for scariest costume, prize is 100 dollars in liquor. They also have 50 cent pitchers till 12, so the place is fuckin packed. We ended up winning scariest prize for south park, basically cuz we really looked alot like south park(even cartman was a fat kid) and we knew everyone there. So our 100 dollar prize turned into drinking for free all night, and then we did 100 dollars worth of shots right before the bar closed. We got trashed, and then they started kicking people out. We all decided to head back to our apartment and uhm, smoke cigarettes.
So I walked out and I guess the rest of them ended up staying and saying goodbye to everyone, so I was a little ahead of everybody. Like I said it was last call, so they had kicked everyone out of the bar, and all the other bars were emptying out, so the streets were pretty packed. So I'm walking along, and there's groups of kids all over the sidewalk walking, and tons of people are wearing costumes so nobody knows what the hell is going on. All of a sudden like 10 feet in front of me, in the middle of an intersection, a brawl breaks out between like 6 kids, and I didn't know a single one of them.
Now keep in mind im wasted and its 4 am. Normally I would stand to the side and watch these kids fight it out, because hey, watching people get hurt is fun and rewarding. But I can't really see too well after all the shots, and im wearing a big orange Kenny hood so my field of vision is severely restricted to a circle in front of me. So I'm just like whatever, let them beat the shit out of each other. I walk right through the middle of this fight like it's not even going on, cuz that's the way to my apartment. Now I have no peripheral vision, so I don't know what's going on, but my friends are half a block behind me and i'm all alone. All of a sudden BAM! I get cold-cocked in the side of the head. Johnny no likee. I guess one of the kids thought I was jumping in for the other group of kids and decided to take the first shot. Bad idea.
So I look up and I see this scrawny bastard take another swing at me. I grab this kid by the front of his shirt and just crank him in the balls with my knee, as hard as i've ever hit anyone in my life. Yeah I fight dirty sometimes, whatofit!?! He dropped like a rock, and sat their squealing like the little sucker punch bitch that he was. While this is going on, the other three kids who aren't friends with the kid who yoked me took off running. They were getting the shit kicked out of them, and I was a great distraction. After all they didn't know me; what the fuck did they care if I got jumped instead of them?
So now it's me, numbnuts on the ground there, and 2 guys I don't know and don't have a problem with. One of them was my size, and the other dude was a big fucker like 6'3 or 6'4, muscular but fat from drinking, you know the type of guy im talking about. But I drank a shitload of Jameson and I just got hit in the head, so I'm pissed drunk and just pissed. Rather than doing the smart thing, though, and fight with one of the standing kids, I just started kicking the kid on the ground. In the chest, in the face, whatever. I was just stompin in my airrr ferrrcee onnnes. So I kick suckerpunch like twice, and one of his buddies finally grabs me. Rather than hit me, like a normal person, he just gets in my face and starts yelling. I dunno what he was thinking doing that, when he had 3 on 1 odds, but that was his big plan I guess, to yell. His friend had other ideas, and cracks me in the ribs. I figure at this point i'm gonna get my ass kicked, so I just start swinging. I hit the big dude in the head, which was probably a bad idea because one on one he would've kicked the shit out of me, or at least he looked like he would've. You never know with those guys though, because alot of them don't know how to fight; they never got tested, so they never had to learn. So I hit this dude in the temple, and he stumbles a step to the left, and out of my limited view. Then BAM! Out of fucking nowhere he gets formed tackled to the ground by the fat kid dressed like Cartman. I look up just to see his other friend get crunched, and i mean CRUNCHED in the jaw by the kid dressed like Matt Hardy. He was probably the strongest guy out of all of us, and he hit this kid full force with a running start, and down he went. The rest of my friends were close in tow. We gave these three kids the most savage beating I have ever been a part of.
So finally the three kids are all on the ground, and after we kicked them a bunch of times for good measure, we're like fuck it and start walking away. Well, almost all of us. Cartman refused to leave, he looks up to us and says "You guys go ahead, i'll meet you back there. I'm gonna stay here and kick this kid for a while." And I shit you not, Cartman sat there and kicked these three kids on the ground while we walked back to my apartment. Funny stuff, we were all on a big kick for the movie "The Big Lebowski" at that time. So as we're walking away, we hear my buddy dressed like Cartman, screaming at the top of his lungs while he's beating these kids "Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens Larry!?! Do you see what happens when you try to fuck a stranger in the ass!?! This is what happens Larry! This is what happens when you try to fuck a stranger in the ass!"
He walked in like 5 minutes after us with a big smile on his face. The poor bastards woke up the next morning and said "damn, we got the shit kicked out of us by the guys from South Park."
Looking back, I'd say the funniest part of the whole thing was that I didn't know any of the kids involved and had nothing to do with the fight. I was the one in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I got popped in the head for being stupid. Unfortunately for Karma, I have a big thick irish skull, and I don't like being hit in it. That's why you should always know who you're dealing with if your going to suckerpunch somebody. A lesson in life from Collinization.
Paul just gave me enough material for a flurry of mediocre posts! Good work!
Let's start with Psychic readings. You go ahead and post a little paragraph about your situation in the comments section, and I'll give you a psychic reading about how it's going to turn out. Don't ask me about horse racing though, cuz im not giving out the winners and letting you bastards water down the odds. And yes, you will bust if you double down on 19. See! im Psychic!
I just talked to my girlfriend, who is at the beach while I am working. God damnit I hate her. Well anyway, the people next to her just talked to "that guy" at the beach. You know who im talking about. Random dude, doesn't know anyone, goes to the beach alone and strikes up long conversations with perfect strangers. Apparently this guy sat there and talked to the poor woman next to her for like an hour, and totally disregarded all the subtle hints she dropped that meant go the hell away. Finally he said "I'll leave, but you have to answer this question: What play was Rosencrantz and Guilderstein from?" Ok, so the question is easy, but that's not the point.
What are you, a fucking minotaur? Are we in the center of the labrynth here, you stupid bastard? It takes a set of brass balls to tell someone you'll leave them alone, if only they answer some stupid bullshit trivia question. Seriously, if you want to play Sphinx I'll break your fucking nose off and pound you into the sand, you clueless piece of shit. He even asked the woman to hold his stuff while he went into the water. I woulda dug a hole, threw his crap in there, pissed on it, and then buried it. Dumb motherfuckers man, you aren't on vacation in the tropical islands where everyone is friendly. You're in New York, now leave me the fuck alone before I stick a boot up your ass, you creepy freak. So yeah, all my loyal readers: Don't be that guy.
In other news, I came up with a diet that was almost as good as Bill's diet. I'm too lazy to scroll through all his shit, so I'll just send you over there and you can find the diet entry if you want to. Anyway, the diet.
All you have to do to lose weight on my diet is eat at Red Lobster. That's all. I ate there last night with my girlfriend, and in the words of Paul, I have had the running shits ever since. I weighed myself yesterday, and I weighed a cool 193 lbs. Then I ate at Red Lobster, and I weighed myself this morning. I'm down to 187 lbs.
"Is that even possible?" I asked myself. Then my stomach made a weird noise and another pound and a half of brown water fell out. So yeah, I think it's possible. 6 lbs in less than 24 hours, and all you have to do is eat some low grade seafood. And to think, people pay hundreds of dollars for colonics and bowel cleansings, and I got mine for $14.95.
In still other news, that was really gross.
So while I was up in Saratoga betting the mortgage on some nag in the 5th, my girlfriend went out to sleepy's super duper insane wicked awesome we're losing money by selling these things bed sale. That's the one where they raise their prices by 15% a month before hand and then bring them down 10% for 1 weekend and call it a sale, in case you were wondering. Oh and by the way, Paul, I did you proud and shouted crazy things at the end of every race. A few head turners were "Well son, I hope you didn't like your new room, because it looks like we're gonna be living in the RV again." And my personal favorite "I can't believe that piece of shit nag lost, after all the steroids I pumped into him". I did the "There goes the mortgage" a few times, but nobody seemed to care; I think that happens for real often enough around there.
Anyway back to my story. So my girlfriend was at the crazy Eddie would be proud mattress sale, and she bought me a full size bed with a box spring for like 200 bucks. I have never had anything but a twin sized bed my whole life, and I can't take it anymore. Lately I've been rolling out of bed in my sleep alot, and I don't like waking up by smacking my face against the wood floor. So she buys me the bed, and we decide that screw them and their delivery fees, we'll save 50 bucks and take it home ourselves. So she brings it over to her house, and yesterday I borrow my dad's SUV and go pick it up.
I ask my pops for something to tie the bed on the roof with - the mattress fits inside the cab, but the box spring is too wide and has to go on the roof. So he gives me this tiny little twine to tie it up with, and I look at him like he's fucking crazy. I mean I wouldn't tie newspapers up with this shit it was so flimsy looking. But he goes "don't worry, that's wax string, it has an incredibly high tensil stringth." Still skeptical, I take a piece in my hand and try to break it. My dad decides that he'll make a believer out of me yet, grabs the other end, and starts dragging me around the back yard by this tiny little twine. My dad's a big guy, he's about 6'2, probably up around 250 these days, and although not quite as big as him, i'm not exactly tiny myself. He pulls me around by this twine for a while and I'm convinced that you could use it to hang someone by the time we're done. So I go down, pick up the bed, and tie it up with the string. My girlfriend is quite skeptical herself of this scrawny piece of yarn, but I tell her don't worry it will hold. So we get to driving, and everything's fine. Down the main road onto the highway I go. I get up to about 55, and I'm waiting to feel the bed start shaking up there, but it's holding strong. I start thinking to myself "wow, this shit really is strong" and then I hear a loud fucking pop and bombs away; there goes the box spring. The guy behind me must have been a sick driver, because he pulls this awesome manuever and dodges the thing. I was quite impressed. Anyway did I mention it was 6:30 and the road was fuckin packed? Well it was. I'm shitting a brick at this point because I'm just waiting for a semi to either crush the fucking thing or jacknife trying to avoid it and kill like 70 people, which is always good for the old car insurance rates. So I pull over and I see my new box spring sitting in the right lane, cars ducking and dodging and almost wiping out trying to get out of the way. I run down there, and wait for my opportunity. The right lane has an empty stretch, so I run out into the highway and grab the shit, and drag it off to the side. Okay, so I got the box spring, now what the hell do I do?
I call my buddy and ask him to bring down his work van. He's laughing his ass off as I tell him the story. I mean seriously, this kid was losing it on the phone, i think he dropped it he was laughing so hard. So he says he's coming, and while i'm sitting there waiting for him a cop pulls up. I tell him what happened, and he takes a look at the tiny string I had the bed tied up with and he starts laughing. He looks at me like the retard that I am, shakes his head, and drives away. Thanks officer, way to protect and serve. If that wasn't enough, I turned around and off the shoulder of the highway, through some trees and over a side road, there is a huge sleepy's mattress outlet. What are the odds of that shit?
So my buddy gets there, we throw the box spring in his van and we're off. I get home and tell my dad what happens, and with a straight face he looks at me and says "Obviously, you didn't tie it up right." Bastard. So anyway, now that it's all over I guess this was a good experience for me. Nobody will ever ask me to help them move again.
So the power went out last thursday at 4:15. I got the rest of the afternoon off from work, which luckily for me is 10 minutes from my house and all highway driving. So an hour later I get home(that's how it works around here) and I do what every red blooded American with no electricity should do on a thursday afternoon - I went to my friend's house and got fucking tanked. We played wiffle ball for a while, but after a few drinks that ball starts to move a whole lot more than you remember. So we sat in front of his house and drank until dark, and then the sober kid drove us home.
The next morning I wake up, still no juice, and call work. It's busy. No power, so the phone system is down. I decided right there that fuck them i'm staying home and leaving for saratoga early. So I call my friend who is going up with me. Apparently, he has power already. Half my town had power at 7 am, i didn't get power till 3:30 p.m.. So he had to work, and we were going to leave at 2. Of course over the next half hour, I get several phonecalls from afforementioned friend: "You hear that hot water running in the backround? That sure is nice."
" I just thought you wanted to know what t.v. sounds like, since yours isn't working."
That bastard. But anyway, I took a freezing cold shower and we took off at 2 pm. A total of 6 of us went up there, with 10 cases of beer for the weekend. We needed more beer by sunday afternoon. Anyway, we went up there, built a fire on friday, and got sloshed. Saturday we hit the track, which was fun, except that I didn't know going in that nobody who was with me had ever played the horses before. So I had to give a gambling 101 class, which really cut into my handicapping time. I only cashed 1 30 dollar exacta all day. I missed a 500 dollar triple because I wanted to save 4 bux and didn't box it, and my horses ran 2 1 3. Stupid bastard that I am. The race after that, I had another triple come in 1 2 4. But that third horse, named No Comprende, went off at 65-1. Another 10 feet and he would've run third, I woulda had the triple like 4 times over, and probably would've walked out of the track about 10 grand richer. So it goes.
We went back to my place, built another fire and got tanked again. Problem was we were out of wood. Now, my friends are all pansy ass Long Island boys, they aren't used to anything remotely resembling rural areas. They are also collectively the laziest people ever. To avoid going in the forest to look for wood, they decided that there was a bear in there that would eat them. To avoid going to the lake to get water to put the fire out with, they decided there was a shark, in the lake. To avoid carrying the boat down to the lake to go fishing, they decided a rattlesnake lived under the boat. And for no reason whatsoever, they decided a Kimono dragon lived in the shed next to where we had the fire.
The solution to their laziness? Action Mike. Mike was a kid who lived up there all year round that my sister knew. He was a really cool guy, but unlike the rest of us, actually did stuff instead of just sitting on his fat ass. So he comes down and sees we need wood, he runs into the woods, in the pitch black, and drags out some wood. He got a leech on his foot while he was in there, and he casually picked it off and threw it into the fire. Now I've seen leeches before, and this was a tiny one, but it threw my friends for a fucking loop, let me just tell you. The next day, one of them said that Mike was really intense. And so began the legend of action mike.
After a long day of drinking and sitting around, we built another fire, so as to sit around and drink more, but this time in the dark. After a few beers, Mike came up again. It was decided that there was no longer a bear living in the woods; where did the bear go? Well, Action Mike killed him with his bare hands, ripped out his still beating heart and ate it raw. That's just the kind of guy Mike was. But don't worry, they still couldn't go into the woods because now a lion lived there. Don't ask, we were very drunk. Action Mike actually came by a little later, and walked around on his hands for no apparent reason for a while. He also drove across my neighbor's lawn for no reason whatsoever. It was really intense. So I went to the track for 1 day the whole weekend, came really close to winning a ton of money, and drank 14 cases of beer with 5 of my friends. All in all, I'd say it was a good time. But wherever lazy pussies are in need of wood, have no fear; Action Mike will save the day.
It's a dark day in mudville.
I don't want to talk about the god damn Yankees. Michele has plenty on that, if you're interested. Another thing I found on Michele's site though, is the ugly, ugly truth about Gangrene.
Woody Johnson, you scumbag piece of shit hack, I hope you rot in hell.
I just signed up for the jets season tickets waiting list 2 weeks ago. Cross me off, you piece of garbage. 50 bux a year to be on a god damn list that's around 20 years long means im paying the price of a year of season tickets just to wait to get a chance to buy season tickets. Fuck you and your mother, you dirty god damn whore. You got some nerve expecting me to pay for tickets to games at a stadium you rent from another fucking team. Do you know how sad it is to be a Jet fan in new york, and have to listen to the announcer say "Live from Giant Stadium..." at the beginning of every game, and listen to every giant fan in the bar laugh and point? You worthless fuck, I wish you would've rolled down your whore mother's leg.
Build a stadium you worthless, greedy bastard. Sell off Joe Namath DNA for all I fucking care. But you have the balls to expect me to kick down 50 bucks a year so that you can sell my name to tele-marketers? You unbearable prick, I hope you fall down a flight of stairs. You're too fucking cheap to go get some talented football players, even though your worth about 80 gajillion dollars, but you expect me to give you 50 bones for the pleasure of you fucking spam emails and mediocre product brochures? Fuck you and your sister with an HIV filled dildo. Your a worthless piece of shit, your products suck, and I can't wait to dance on your grave when your greedy family lets you rot to death in a 3rd rate nursing home. If I ever see you in public, I'll spit in your face and charge you 50 dollars for the pleasure of wiping it off.
50 dollars a year to wait for a chance to buy tickets to watch the only professional team in the world that doesn't have it's own stadium. That's right. My highschool football team has a field of it's own, and you don't. How about that Woody? When do you plan to address that minor inconvenience called playing at a stadium named after your crosstown rival? You stupid bitch, get a god damn clue before you tank this team into bankruptcy, Senators style. Sell the team to a decent human being and go back to drinking the blood of orphaned toddlers, you money grubbing son of a prostitute. I heard your family started Johnson and Johnson to cure your grandmother's Chlamydia; only a whore could raise a bastard as greedy as you. The grinch called, he wants his personality back. Seriously you scumbag fuck, if I get a letter asking for 50 dollars for a spot on the waiting list I will personally take a shit on it, wrap it in a paper bag, light it on fire and drop it on your front porch. And I know where you live.
Apparently, the U.N. hotel in Baghdad just exploded. 14 people are dead, tons more are injured, and that building is FUBARed.
I hate to be a cynical prick at a time like this, but you had to see this coming. Look. We told you to stay home. We told you we would handle it, but you had to come anyway. I think it's pretty obvious that the Iraq situation is beyond the control of the U.N., they can't even keep the security up in their headquarters. Someone dropped the ball here.
Now your building blew up and your people are dead. Its time to bust some skulls here. Executions in the street. Draw and Quarterings. But this is the U.N. we're talking about, so that is all highly unlikely. They'll denounce the attack, blame the U.S. for their own security failures, and get right back to doing exactly what they were doing before this ever happened. It's a shame.
It should now be obvious to everyone that the U.N. cannot maintain the situation in Iraq. The U.S. is the only one capable of doing so. Now be a good useless international body and stay the fuck out of the way here, or else people are going to get hurt.
First of all, Fuck Ohio. That useless piece of shit state has screwed me over for the last time. Guess what Ohio? You suck. Your football team is the color of shit. Drew Carey is your most famous resident, and he's a fat, unfunny bastard. The only reason anyone even lives in Ohio is because their car broke down on the way to California and they couldn't afford to get it fixed. Ohio is that stupid drunk who hits on his cousin at the family reunion of states. How about those bengals? Fuck you, Ohio. You shouldn't even be allowed to have electricity after the shit you pulled. I hope they pave over your whole fucking state and put a garbage dump there; it would improve the smell of your unbathed residents. That's right Ohio, go fuck yourself.
No, I'm not dead.
The power went off on thursday, as you already know unless you live in a cave in which case you aren't reading this. So yeah, I didn't get juice back at my house till about 3:30, but by then I had left for Saratoga for the weekend. My place in Saratoga is uhm...Rustic. Let's just say we have a rotary phone there, so obviously I wasn't posting from up there. I got back last night and my liver knocked me unconscious, so there was no posting yesterday. But I am still alive, we have power now, and my liver still hurts. More to come.
Although it wasn't what I am trying to remember, a different Bill made me realize that it's been almost a week since I revealed more about that other dude who is also named Bill. Bill's wife will soon be making more money than him, further proving that he is the bitch in the relationship. Frankly, I'm a little disturbed about how often Alice uses the word "ass" when talking about me. It's very Freudian. Look Alice, I know that compared to Bill I am a "sweet piece of ass", but I'm no home wrecker. You and Bill are married, and I respect that, so I can't allow you to be the proverbial "mollusk on my ass for all eternity". By the way, that's really gross, and I can't believe you asked.
In other news, Tim the Michigander is moving to Canada. There will be a parade the day after he is gone. Don't worry about Tim though; he's french you see. He'll be very happy in Canada, as soon as he figures out how to build an igloo with a hockey stick.
Some guy got busted trying to sell a shoulder mounted ground to air missile to a CIA agent. That's like ten thousand times worse than being the kid who got caught selling weed to the narc in highschool. Make that a million times worse. You know all the other arms smugglers are making fun of him in their little anarchist chatroom on AOL. Even in the terrorist world, you don't want to be "that guy". And selling a fucking missile launcher to a government operative definately makes you that guy. Sucks for you buddy. But really, I feel like these are the kind of terrorists we want to leave on the street. This guy is obviously incompetant, i mean shit, if you can't tell that a white guy with a boston accent is probably not a member of a hamas splinter cell, than you're really not a threat to anyone.
What a crazy world we live in. Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife, is going on trial for rape, and he's still married. Ben Affleck got a lap dance from some whore at a strip club, and J-Lo is calling off the marriage. This just further proves my theory that J-Lo is a dumb slut and Ben Affleck should be drawn and quartered. But seriously, if these people are allowed to be married, why can't gay people? I mean hell, even if every gay person was as stupid, useless, and annoying as J-Lo, Ben Affleck, and Kobe's wife(which would be impossible, as it would create an earth shattering idiocity void in San Francisco), they should still be allowed to marry each other. If nothing else, at least they wouldn't reproduce, which is something we can only hope for out of the big three pillars of high morality over there.
In other news, there's a white female rapper out there who is supposed to be the next Eminem. Who gives a shit? Not me. No white girl will ever live up to hip hop legend Li'l Kim, who can fit an entire sprite can in her mouth. Think about that for a while.
There was something else, but I can't remember what it was. If you can remind me, I'll give you 15 points.
So last night I went to the driving range, and then out to my girlfriend's house. We hung out for a while, went to my other friend's house, and then I took her home. I'm driving home at around 11 last night, when I realize that I haven't eaten all day and im hungry as hell. So I stop at burger king, since it was the only place around that was open, and went and ordered my food. I think the people are pissed cuz they probably close at 11 and I was that guy who showed up while they were cleaning the grill. Oh well, that's what you get for working at a shitty fast food place, you god damn slacker. So I order, and I drive around to the window. The girl takes my money, gives me my change, and hands me my drink. Then she walks away. I'm sitting there for a few minutes, waiting on my food, just hanging out and pimping the drive-thru window.
So i'm there for a while, wondering what's so hard about making a god damn pre-cooked hamburger, and I see the front door open. The same girl that I paid walks out the front door, gets into her car, and drives away. I didn't know what the fuck to do, I almost shat myself. Did she really just take my money and go home? Is she the legendary fast food ninja? I was bugging out. There was nobody else inside as far as I could see, and all the lights were still on. I'm thinking that she just finally went over the edge, and said fuck it. Left the store wide open and went home, cuz it wasn't worth 6.25 an hour for her to work at a god damn burger king. Then some weird guy comes out from behind the back, I guess he was the cook, and he gives me my food and slams the door shut. The lights are off before I pull out of the parking lot. I really was that guy.
When I got home I did a thorough food inspection for loogies and other gross stuff that I would put in the food if some guy came at 10:59 and we close at 11. No spit as far as I could tell. But don't you think it would've been a lot funnier if the bitch really did just take my 5 bucks and go home? That would've made this a much better story.
So I'm in a fantasy football league with a bunch of my friends, and we did a live draft last night. My team is so nasty:
QB Manning, Peyton (QB-Ind)
QB Culpepper, Daunte (QB-Min)
WR Ward, Hines (WR-Pit)
WR Galloway, Joey (WR-Dal)
WR Chrebet, Wayne (WR-NYJ)
RB Henry, Travis (RB-Buf)
RB Dillon, Corey (RB-Cin)
TE Sharpe, Shannon (TE-Den)
WR/TE Coles, Laveranues (WR-Was)
WR/RB Shipp, Marcel (RB-Ari)
Bench Canidate, Trung (RB-Was)
Bench Carr, David (QB-Hou)
Bench Johnson, Kevin (WR-Cle)
Bench Stokes, J.J. (WR-Jac)
Kickers
K Gramatica, Martin (K-TB)
Bench Brien, Doug (K-NYJ)
Defense Team
DEF Miami (DEF-Mia)
DEF Chicago (DEF-Chi)
Bench Dallas (DEF-Dal)
They may as well just pay me right now. The 2nd overall pick in the draft was priest holmes - good decision friend, running backs always do well the year after they break their hip; Bo knows retirement. I had to take laverneus coles though, it was necessary. I love football season.
Today is tuesday, and I got nothing. I feel better since nobody else has anything either, but still. Nothing. One more shitty post, coming up.
I saw a sick accident last night. A honda civic t-boned a grand cherokee; the cherokee flipped on its side, and the civic's bumper was pushed up to the windshield. Nobody got hurt, go figure. Can we guess who was driving? That's right, 2 17 year old boys. Obviously one of them blew the light, and the other was speeding; who was doing which doesn't matter. But because of these fucking jerkoffs, my car insurance is 8 billion dollars a day. How can you class a 23 year old driver the same as a 17 year old? I mean the first 5 years of driving experience really should count for more than the rest, as that's when you learn how to not get yourself killed on the road. But the insurance company sees a big fat "disposable income" demographic, and they'll be damned if they won't cash in. Did i mention that I am required by law to carry car insurance, but the government hardly regulates the rates? Did I mention that it's the equivalent of taxation without representation? I'm sure I did mention that at some point, so I won't bore you with the fact that the government is once again extorting money out of me. Between car insurance and social security, I give like 20% of my income up for nothing. I'll never see the social security money, and the insurance company will do everything in it's power to scumbag out of paying if I ever actually make a claim. Did i also mention that if i lived in another state, my car insurance would be about 10% of what it is in New York? It's cheaper in Mass. for christ sakes, and their about 2 weeks away from a hammer and sickle on their state flag. No fault insurance is a fucking scam.
My friend's girlfriend, who lives with him, showed up at the bar on friday with a big hickie on her neck. She claimed she got dared to make out with a girl at a bar, and the girl gave her a hickie instead. They broke up, and she moved out of my friend's basement yesterday. Whore.
I'm headed up to the track in Saratoga this weekend. Any horse players out there? Got some tips? Help me out. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
I played golf this weekend, and shot a 58 on a 9 hole course. That's still awful, but the last time i played that course i shot a 60, and the time before that i shot a 68. All I have to do is knock off another 15 strokes and I'll be a semi-respectable golfer. I hit a drive that went almost 300 yards too. Unfortunately, it went about 130 yards forward and about 170 yards to the right. For you non-golfers, that's the equivalent of bowling a strike, 2 lanes over from the lane you were aiming for. If one more person tells me to "swing through the ball and keep your head down" im gonna wrap my bent three iron around their head in an unkind fashion. With extreme prejudice.
Everyone should use the phrase "with extreme prejudice" at least once a week. Its a good line, and I like it.
Why do mechanics automatically think you're an idiot when you bring your car in for servicing? All i needed was an inspection on a brand new car. They don't even have to really inspect it, and it takes 10 minutes. So I call up and talk to the guy, and I try to tell him that its a new car and he could do it in 10 minutes. He tells me that there are cars before me, and I have to drop it off, and he might not finish it that day and all this other bullshit. So I drop the car off at lunch, and fill out the paperwork and leave. 20 minutes later he calls my cell phone back. "Why didn't you tell me that it was a brand new car? It's ready if you want to come back and get it." Asshole. But I guess that's what you do when you're a mechanic, because everyone else probably treats you like you're the idiot. Anyone who thinks auto mechanics are dumb people though, should take a real good look under their hood. Do you see all that stuff? How much of it can you identify? If you're car broke down on the side of the road, and you opened the hood up, would you have the slightest idea what to do? For 80% of the population, the answer is no, and those people have no right to look down on a mechanic. The other 20% know better than to look down on them, because cars are really fucking complicated machines. It's harder to diagnose an engine problem than it is to fill out your fucking TPS reports, that's for sure. So show some respect. Except not to this guy, cuz he was an asshole.
That's all I got for right now.
So the Jets took one from the bungles this week, with a deceptive 28-7 victory. They played decent, but the game was much closer than the score displayed.
The Jets opened up on defense, and made a solid stand against an awful bengals offense. After the punt, the Jets put a few plays together, but the offense did its normal "one first down and punt" that was so common on the first drives of last year. Curtis Martin was in for about two plays, so I guess you could say they didn't have their running back; but with LaMont Jordan as the backup, that excuse doesn't really hold water. The guy could start for a whole lot of other teams, but he's playing behind Curtis Martin, who is quietly becoming one of the greatest running backs the NFL has ever seen(16th player to record 10,000 yards rushing).
So they punt, and they get a break. The Bungles, living up to their name, fumbled the snap around the 40 yard line, as the rain was starting to come down pretty hard in the Meadowlands. The Jets cashed in on the short field and put 7 on the board, with LaMont Jordan powering his way into the end zone. Pennington looked decent, careful as always. From there, it turned into the kind of ugly football game you expect when Gangreen and The Bungles get on the field.
The Bengals punted away after sputtering on O, and the Jets get the ball back. They get a 4th and one near mid field, and they go for it. LaMont Jordan powers through the bengals line for the first, a big moral victory for the Jets O Line. I expect to see them try to do this all year. Why? Because 2 possessions later they were in the same situation, and ran the exact same god damn play, except to Sowell instead of Jordan. Same formation, same play, different back. Everyone on the field knew exactly where the ball was going. I think my mom knew where it was going, and she wasn't watching the game. I know it's pre-season Herm, but what's the deal? At least give the guy a chance to get the yards, he was running smack into the center of 9 bengal defenders. You can't expect the defense to not notice that you're running the same play over and over again, even if it is Cincinnati. A fake hand off up the middle would've had the entire defense biting, and a draw off tackle would've gotten the first down and maybe more. I hope you remember this when it actually counts.
After that, it was pretty uneventful football. Santana Moss had a nice catch that led to a second Jet touchdown. Vinnie Testaverde came in for 1 play and threw an interception; no one was surprised, including Vinnie. Bollinger, the Jets 3rd string QB, can't handle a snap, and waves the football around like a loaf of bread when he's scrambling; he lost the handle a bunch of times. The Bengals did the same. Carson Palmer got his first taste of the bungle curse, when on his opening drive he threw a pass that bounced off his receivers hand, then off his foot, into the hands of jets defensive back McGraw, who returned it for a touchdown, making it 21-7. The next drive gave Palmer similar luck, after a ball passed completely through his receivers hands, right into the hand of some 3rd string Jet secondary player who's name I can't remember right now, who returned that for a touchdown as well. I will say that neither pick was actually Palmer's fault, although im sure he's beating himself up for it anyway. Jets take the game 28-7, but it was much closer than the score indicates.
Same old jets? I'm not sure. Their offense stalled pretty often around mid-field, as usual. But most of that was because Bollinger couldn't handle the snap from center, he was fumbling like Tiki Barber in a playoff game. Pennington looks good, Conway looks good although I wouldn't count on him being there all season, seeing as he has never played more than 12 games in any one year without getting injured. LaMont Jordan looks great, he's gonna be eating into Martin's carries this year. Hopefully he can step into Richie Anderson's pass receiving roll. The Jet Defense continues to allow teams to walk down the field on them, and then tighten up around field goal range. It's almost like they do it on purpose. But the run defense was tight; Corey Dillon couldn't get anything going out there. DeWayne Robertson's presence is already being felt on the field; and you won't be hearing his name called because of it. Every time John Abraham gets into the back field for a big play, you can look over to DeWayne and give him half the credit, because he is constantly drawing a double team inside, which is freeing up both defensive ends. The run defense looks tight.
The secondary is better than last year, but that isn't saying much, since cutting Damien Robinson alone is a drastic improvement to any defense. The linebackers are getting old; Mo Lewis has lost a few steps over the years, but expect to see a big year from Sam Cowart. Special teams looked okay, the new kickers look good. The loss of Coles is not yet evident, although we'll see how that changes when they face a better team than the bungles. One last thing; it appears that someone bought Herman Edwards a watch over the offseason, so we should see better game management in the two minute warning this year. A solid showing overall.
So I interviewed Paul, since he interviewed me, thus completing the circle jerk that is the blogosphere. He had some interesting stuff to say, but I edited that part out and bring you pure, uninterrupted schleck.
How did you get started blogging?
Some time ago I was waiting to get my haircut and reading a magazine.
It said that web logs were the wave of the future, and explained that they
were "dear diary" type things that people kept on the web. I thought, "Now
that's fucking pathetic." Some months later I googeled something and a blog
came up, and it was nothing like dear diary. Then I realized that I had been
blogging for years, via email, and never knew it. I hopped in because
it was better than email blogging.
When did you decide that a blog wasn't good enough, and that living in
the comments section of other blogs was more rewarding?
One day I had nothing to post. I noticed Bill also had nothing to post,
so he stole "I'll answer questions" from Frank. I started answering his
questions that people left in his comments before he could get to them.
I was just trying to annoy Bill, but it was fun. So I posted on my own
blog that for the rest of the day, I'd be blogging from Bill's comments
section. By the time he realized what was up, I had a good laugh at his expense. You know as well as I do that nothing is more rewarding than that.
Can't argue there. What's your license plate number?
I can't see it from here, but it's not personalized. I frown on that. I
seninerriously frown on that.
Did I hear a "Niner" in there?
No, you certainly did not. And I hate the Niners.
The Bush twins or the Olsen twins?
Do the Hilton sisters count? I'm big on sleeping with them. Maybe the
Bush girls, because I could probably draw out my fifteen minutes of fame to
an hour of so. And at least one is depraved. Truly crazy girls= the best
sex. You know, mentally disturbed, Sybil- like chicks.
Joe Camel or Macgruff the crime dog?
Joe Camel. I wish I knew all the secrets on the Camel pack.
Who is the greatest athlete of all time?
I'd say Michael Jordan has to be up there, same with Carl Lewis, Clay
(his momma call him Clay, I'm gonna call him Clay). Jim Brown deserve a
mention as well.
Obviously, you've never heard of Rick Ankiel. Anyway, who is the greatest author of all time?
It depends. Novels would be Hugo, James Fennimore Cooper, Dostoyevsky,
Dumas, Joyce, Larry McMurtry, Dickens. Short fiction would be Raymond
Carver, Chekhov, de Maupassant. Poetry would be TS, Pound, WC Williams,
Jeffers, Lorca, and the incredible Henry Chinaski. None of them write
rhyming poetry. Other general stuff I'd say John Fante is under-rated.
So was Celine. Melville was a hack.
Who would win in a fight between the two of them?
Chinaski would beat them all. Except Hemingway. He was at war with
life.
What is your favorite mindless protest chant?
We're here, we're queer and whatever the rest of it is. It's the best
because whenever it's being chanted, you're guaranteed to see a freak
show.
Most Over-rated blog?
Yours.
When you say "yours" do you mean Bloviating Inanities?
Yes, yes I do.
What does "diversity" mean to you?
It means that I can listen to John Coltrane or NIN and like them both.
I like Mozart and I like the Sex Pistols. It means that I can enjoy the
novel Great Expectations and I can also appreciate a Bukowski poem about
shit-stained underwear and being in the drunk tank. To me, that's
diversity.
How old are you?
Thirty-nine. That will change in a few days.
If you could travel back in time and witness any event-what, where
and/or who?
Boy, I never realized how much of a pain in the ass these questions
are. Ancient Egypt maybe. the OK Corral shootout.Gettysburg. I'm an atheist
most of the time, but Christ's last days would be something. The Beatles in
Hamburg is up there too. I have this thing about time travel.but it's a
long story.
Beer, Wine or Hard stuff- and which?
Macallan single malt, Cabernet/Claret for wine and Heineken. Armagnac
after a meal. I rarely do shots but if I must, Patron tequila with a splash
of Tabasco. That makes me sound way more pretentious than I am.
Okay, and now on to the important questions. If you get drunk all
night, then go to sleep, and wake up the next morning and then throw up, does that still count as drinking till you puke?
No. Technically, drinking until you puke means you may actually be
trying to swallow more booze at the instant of the launch, or at least while
holding a drink. Bed spin puking barely qualifies.
What are the three best books you've ever read?
The unabridged Three Musketeers, The unabridged Count of Monte Christo
and The Cat and the Hat. The Cat and the Hat has very intense denouement.
The parents are coming home, the place is a shithouse. The goldfish is
panicking. Very intense book.
What are your top ten desert Island CDs?
In no particular order:
Derek and the Dominoes-Layla and other assorted love songs
Jeff Beck-Wired
Beatles-Sgt. Pepper
Genesis-Foxtrot
Elvis Costello-Best of
John Coltrane-Soultrane
Steely Dan-The Royal Scam
Eagles-Hotel California
Led Zep-Houses of the Holy
Time Life Series-AM Gold of the 70s
They change a lot.
[This website is not responsible for Paul's poor musical tastes]
What do you mean you still listen to 8 track? What the hell is an 8
track?
The best part about 8 tracks was, after you wore them out, which
happened a lot, you could whip it from the car at someone.
You're weird. Why is that?
I'm only weird on the net. By weird, do you mean smart and funny? Good,
that's what I thought.
Actually, I meant weird in the "Your wearing a dead poodle as a hat and it's starting to smell" sense, but you were close. What kind of car do you drive?
A gas guzzling eight cylinder SUV.
Do you want me to tell you why it's a piece of shit, or do you already
know?
I'm well aware.
Do you feel strange when you laugh at loud at stuff you read over the
internet?
I have never laughed out loud. I hope to someday. The doctors think
it's some kind of imbalance. I'm heavily medicated most of the time.
Did you know that Glenn is black?
I know he claims to be. It says so right on his page, along with a
salutation. Wouldn't it be funny if he came out and told everyone he's
not? It would be funny if he was a white midget.
Who was the greatest leader in world history?
Vince Lombardi.
[good answer]
Who is your favorite celebrity?
It used to be Jennifer Aniston until she said that shit about Bush. I
looklike Brad Pitt, so I think I could get her.
And how long have you been stalking her?
For quite some time. I've gotten pretty close.
What is the best gag or practical joke you've ever pulled?
I was watching this guy's house while he was on vacation. Watering the
plants and running his dogs and stuff. I called him in Hawaii and told
him his house burned in a fire. He fucking freaked. I made up enough detail
for it to pretty good. You know, just the kitchen, smoke damage to the rest.
I do that kind of stuff a lot.
That's pretty funny, in a disturbing kind of way. How many of these questions did I just cut and paste from your own interviews?
Too many. This is torturous. I had no idea how long this took.
What's the funniest movie ever?
Brian's Song.
You're wrong. Try again.
Showgirls.
Nope, that's not it either. The answer we were looking for was "Bowling for Columbine". Sorry Paul, but that's all the time we have for today. You can go back to your squee-geeing now, we'll leave 50 cents in the cup for you.
Note: Some of this interview did not actually happen.
Surprisingly enough, its somewhat mean spirited. But since im so smart, I signed the director's line with Bill's name. Nobody will know it was me! Good thing I took that emode test, now I know im smart enough to pull off stuff like this.
Sorry Paul, but it's really fun to bust your balls for some reason:)
So there's a fag bishop now. What the fuck?
You know what, go ahead and call me a bigot for all I fucking care. I don't go to church and i'm not religious. I don't hate gay people. But what the fuck!?!
A fag bishop. That's like Pete Rose becoming the next commissioner of baseball. Do they even care about the rules anymore!?!
There's certain things that just aren't done. There's a reason why they aren't done, and nobody should have to really explain them to anyone, because they are self evident. Black people don't join the KKK. Jews don't join the Palestinian Martyr Brigade. And until yesterday, fags didn't hold commanding office in the church.
RELIGIOUS PEOPLE DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE. Do you get it now? It's in their little club handbook there; being gay is bad. Those are their rules, out of their book. It's not real vague either. So why would you even join the church in the first place if your a sword swallower?
And what's worse is people who bitch about all the scrutiny this guy is getting, like its a big fucking shock that a few people who read the bible might have some kind of problem with the holy fudgepacker. How the hell do you think people are going to react? "Oh, they're repressing him! Let him be proud of who he is!" Guess what, asshole, that's not what church is about. Christianity isn't about being proud of who you are; in fact most of it is about what a scumbag you really are and what you should do to make up for it. Imagine what would happen if the pope stood up tomorrow and said "I could really go for a good hummer right now. Monica?" This isn't 'nam smokey, there are rules.
Gay marriage is fine by me. People are gay, then they are gay, and that's the way it is. But a gay bishop is just a bad idea. How about O.J. Simpson as a marriage counsellor? ill-advised. An irishman as your A.A. sponsor? Not recommended. Pete Rose, Michael Jordan and Bill Bennett in vegas with your credit card? Not a smart move, friend.
And no, this guy shouldn't be in the closet. Really, he shouldn't have stayed with his wife and kids either. He shouldn't have had a wife in the first place, but that's a bit of a moot point. He came out, he's gay, and he's dating some guy. I hope they are happy and I wish them the best. But he should step down from the church. You broke the rules man, that's the way it is. Ty Domi will never win sportsman of the year, and it ain't because he doesn't shake hands after the game.
Church is a placed for snobbish repressed people to be guilted into donating money and be told what to do. And now the guy who's reading the big book of rules and morality is breaking one of them. Actually now that I think about it, maybe its not such a bad idea. With all the other hypocrisy in the church, why not a gay bishop? Hell, let's marry off the catholic priests on reality T.V.! And we can change the 10 commandments to the 10 things we think you should maybe consider not doing but will understand if you do them anyway. Then NAMBLA can become the official sponsor of the clergy, and we can put Ernest and Julio Gallo advertisements on the cup of christ's blood. Why stop at the church bingo night? We not an all out brothel-o-nuns on the 2nd floor of the sunday school? Bring the church into the 21st century, right? The alter boys sell the heroine and the Deacon can administer the methadone clinic! "Body of Christ" sounds like a great street name for crystal meth to me. It will give me something to do while im waiting for my turn to bang my neighbor's wife. If the rules in the bible don't matter anymore, then what the fuck is the point in going to church in the first place?
It's Thursday, and Lileks is back.
Ahhnold is running for governor of California. Hell, I'd vote for him. How much worse could he really do than Grey Davis? And how are you gonna smear this guy? We know he did steroids, and we know he has been a major benefactor of our dreaded "violent television" epidemic. Who gives a shit? Not me. And not California, with their insane deficit. What can you really say about Arnold that's going to resonate in California? One of the biggest athletes in the state is on trial for rape, and these people drive to Colorado just to cheer him when he leaves the court house. Good luck getting them to hate a movie star.
In other news, the breast cancer walk was a big success, and I got slapped 5 times. So you all gotta pony up 50 bucks and donate it to breast cancer research. The walk was run by a charity called 1 in 9, but I really don't care which charity you give it to. It's every man's duty to protect that which he loves most, and in this case, its the boobs. You do like boobs, don't you?
I'm usually a negative nancy, but today i'm gonna be a positive pete. The Yankees dished Armondo Benitez; all is right with the world. So no complaining until tomorrow; today is going to feature pure, unmitigated goodness.
Speaking of goodness, I haven't linked to Susie in a while.
Also, Paul interviewed Tiger today. He interviewed me on Monday, and neglected to tell me that I was just the opening act. Had I known that, I would've driven to his house and taken a shit on his front lawn, because I'm a headliner, not some scrubby comedian here to warm up the crowd. Oh well, so much for being positive pete. But maybe we should call him Positive Paul, based on the results of his Chlamydia tests last week. I'll have my revenge by asking him obscure and shitty questions on his interview. Maybe I'll make them all 3 paragraph questions that require yes or no answers.
Football season inches a little bit closer with every passing day. I can't fuggin wait. In fact, I've been wearing a helmet to work every day for a week now. They say I have to wear it if I want to get on the magical bus, but I'd wear it anyway.
Had an interview today, which was set up for me by a guy at a staffing firm. When I got there, the dude interviewing me said that the guy from the staffing firm spoke very highly of me. Which is weird, because I spoke to him for all of 2 minutes before he got me the interview. I wonder what he said to the other guy? I dunno, i think it went well, but the guy was being intentionally vague so we'll see. No word from my current boss about a raise though.
Gary Coleman is also running for Governor of California. What an awesome debate that would be! Too bad for Gary that everyone always votes for the taller candidate; he's gonna have to hop on Willis's shoulders if he is gonna take this one. I wouldn't vote for the real Gary Coleman, but I'd vote for Gary Coleman as portrayed in the Simpsons episode about the Furbies. He kicks tiny robot ass, with extreme prejudice. Although "With Extreme Prejudice" might not be the best campaign slogan. Might play in Alabama though.
Bill is talking to inanimate objects again, which surprises no one.
Well i'm off to find some horrible interview questions.
Ding Dong Armondo's gone,
Which artist? The choke artist.
Ding Dong the choke artist is gone...
Wake up, get out of bed,
Nelson's here, Seattle's dead.
Ding dong Benitez said so long...
Today will be a day of unmitigated joy here at Collinization. Rivera blew a save last night? So what. Benitez is gone, and our season is saved. Jeff Nelson breaks his hip tomorrow? Who gives a shit! I'd rather have nobody then Armondo Benitez. And what's better, we might actually get to see him in the playoffs! And he does so well against the Yankees(see 2000 World Series). If there's any Mariners fans out there, I sugges you write to your general manager, or fax him a letter that just says WHAT WERE YOU THINKING in big bold letters just like that. You may have just picked up the biggest liability in major league baseball. 3nj0y!
Tomorrow is thursday, and Armondo Benitez will still suck.
But that doesn't matter anymore, because he's on the Seattle Mariners now.
Welcome back Jeff Nelson, who used to be a Yankee, if you don't remember those 4 World Series victories.
I take full credit for inducing this trade. Behold the power of blogging.
The Instapundit seems like a nice guy. He blogs alot. He points you to interesting stuff. So why do all the other bloggers hate him? Because they all want his links, and he doesn't give them out to them. But, he's happy to link to this fag.
Too funny. Sticking up for Justin Timberlake. That's something I would expect from Mookie, and she doesn't even like the guy.
Michele just landed Bill a week of couch duty. Good stuff.
There's nothing I like more than someone showing Bill what a lowly piece of pond scum he really is. Well, there's beer. And sex. And most perscription drugs. And football. But it's up there!
In other news, I'm doing a walk for breast cancer tonight at Eisenhower park. Every man in this country should do his part to protect the breasts, lest they become an endangered species. Where would you drink those tequila shots from then, scumbags!?! Yeah, that's what I thought. So donate money to saving the boobs. You could sponsor me, but i'm just going to lie about how many laps I did while i smoke cigarettes and stare at the sweet sweet bosums around me, so you might as well donate money directly. Or you could donate 10 dollars every time my girlfriend slaps me for staring at someone else's chest, but i don't know if you guys will be able to cover it since im gonna be there at least an hour.
Did we bomb Saudi Arabia yet? Why the hell not? I guess they are after North Korea on the list. Big Fuckin Missiles, coming to a third world dictatorship near you. Stay tuned.
So I just got an email from E-Mode. It turns out that I was a top scorer on their IQ test. So they gave me a free look at the results of my test. I got every question right, i scored in the 100th percentile on every section of the test, and they said my I.Q. was 135. What does this tell us?
A. Everyone who took the test besides me is an idiot.
B. The E-Mode test is really easy.
C. This is a useless test with no practical application.
D. I'm fucking brilliant and should've gone to oxford.
I'll give you a hint; the answer isn't D.
Today: Still tuesday.
Armondo: still sucks.
Funny stuff over at Sanity's Edge; Paul interviews my arch-nemesis, Bill.
Money Quote:
What is the best gag or practical joke you've ever pulled?
I'm not a big gag guy but I did tell my sister I had testicular cancer once on April Fool's Day and she actually bought it! I almost made her cry but then I felt bad and told her "April Fool's!" Ha ha. That was funny.
Too funny.
Otherwise, Tiger scared the shit out of me earlier.
Lucky for me, it was Jim Beam, not Jack Daniels. I'm a card carrying member of the Tennessee Squires Association, and I own 1 square inch of the Jack Daniels Distillery. That's why I'm all like, "Fuck Jim Beam. That guys a pussy."
Any other squires out there?
I hope Verizon doesn't go on strike. My dad works for them and if they go on strike he's gonna have to work 18 hours a day, AGAIN. I mean after 9/11 i could understand, but because a bunch of god damn commies want to never be fired no matter how slow and lazily they work, my old man has got to miss out on the one month a year he actually enjoys?(racing season at Saratoga) Bullshit. Normally I'm a union kinda guy, i feel for the working man and all. But seriously, these technicians have the life. They do 4 jobs a day. When my pops started, techs did 8 jobs a day. That's right, all you math majors, thats half the work. Twice the pay of course, even after you factor in inflation and cost of living, better benefits, and no chance of ever being fired. It's like working for the government. And people wonder why phone company service sucks! Here's a little tip for you; companies that can't fire people have incompetant employees. It's Planck's other constant. Spare me the "I want to make 80 grand a year for unskilled labor and never get fired no matter how much I sleep in my truck" bullshit and get to work, you god damn slackers.
This one time, at band camp, this guy turned fart jokes and pie fucking into 3 feature length movies. Hilarity ensues, followed by repetitiveness, followed by idiotic, plotless dribble.
At least I didn't have to see Gigli.
Did you know that your boss doesn't approve of you using the company fax machine to send your resume to other companies? Subtlety was never my strong point.
I don't need anger management Bill. Now stop saying that, or the possum won't be the only dead thing floating in your pool. Bastard.
Someone called me a liberal. He doesn't get a link for that. The gloves are off buddy, the gloves are off.
It's Tuesday, and Armondo Benitez still sucks.
Yes, I will be posting that every day until either A. baseball season ends or B. The Yankees trade/release Benitez. There's also option C. Benitez makes a huge save in a key game, forcing me to stop talking smack about him, but we all know that shit ain't gonna happen.
Otherwise, I never moved Stevie's link over. I dunno how that happened, sorry Stevie, its there now.
I bent my god damn 3 iron on sunday. In case you were wondering, I am a novice golfer and I suck at it. I probably bent the club by slamming it into the ground instead of the ball when i swung. If any of you actually know how to play golf, how bad is it to use a bent club? Its not really bent, just a little, but I feel like that might screw everything up. Let me know.
I already got someone to call me back about my resume, but it was a staffing company. We'll see how it all turns out.
I haven't had a really funny post in a while. Sorry folks. Don't worry though, something is sure to piss me off in the near future.
I know someone who actually beleives in astrology. No, that's astronomy, you dumbass. Astrology is the one with the psychics and the birth signs and shit like that. She actually lives her life by horoscopes; she breaks up with people because their sign isn't compatible with hers. She associates character traits with people based on their birthdates such as : aggressive, selfish, caring, shy, etc etc. She thinks she knows these things about people just by finding out what day they were born. And she gets insulted when I openly mock her for being an moron. Go figure. Her nickname is Madame Cleo. So if you ever see a girl at a bar and she asks you what your sign is, talk to her. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, then it's probably Madame Cleo. If it wasn't for those damn liberals and their rules, I could smack some sense into her. But noooooooo, that would be "aggrevated assault". Stupid laws.
I got a business card from the pro shop at the driving range near my work. The card has the name of the dude who runs the place, and then under it, it says "Head Guy". What were you thinking buddy? I think i might mail it to Maxim for their Hidden Porno contest. Head Guy. Might as well name the damn pro shop The Glory Hole.
It's only August 5th, and Boston is already 3.5 games behind the yankees, from the 1.5 games they were behind on august 1st. This is gonna be the year though, right beantown? bwahahahhaa...
Glenn thinks he made me. That arrogant bastard. I'd say more, but he kinda did make me. If you're reading this blog, theres a 90% chance that you came from one of three people: Glenn, Bill, or Misha. Unless your Paul. I'm not really sure where Paul came from; i think he was living in the comments already when i moved in over here. The other 10% of you came from Susie or Tiger or someone else over there on the blogroll. And of course I wouldn't be here without Pixy Misa. So there's some props for all of you, you insignificant bastards. Now get the hell out of here, you make me sick.
I've had this argument a few times over the weekend, so it's time to bring it to the blogosphere. What is the definition of a sport? What makes one thing a sport, and another just a game? The reason i bring this up is because i don't like the way our society defines sports vs. games vs. competitions these days. Its inconsistent and it doesn't reflect what i always believe was the essence of sports.
In my mind, sports are athletic competition. There must be competition, and it must require athletic ability for it to be a sport. It also has to be man powered; if you are operating a self powering mechanical device, its not a sport. And no, i dont consider a baseball bat or a hockey stick to be a mechanical device. But I don't consider NASCAR a sport, either. Car racing is a sport for the car, not for the driver. It takes a great deal of skill to drive a car that fast for that long, and it takes a great deal of talent. I couldn't do it. But that doesn't make it a sport. Fishing is not a sport. Fishing by throwing a spear into the water like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, if done in a competitive manner, is a sport. Hunting with a rifle is not a sport. Hunting with a knife is a sport.
Chess is not a sport. Rock climbing is a sport. Riding a motorcycle is not a sport, but riding a bicycle is a sport. Darts, billiards, bowling, and the world series of poker are games, not sports. The reason i define all these things as games and not sports is that although they take a great deal of talent, hand eye coordination, and/or brain power, they do not require athletic ability. You can be a great bowler and still be a fat out of shape bastard, you only have to be strong enough to throw the ball down the lane.
Golf is a sport. Horse racing is a sport for the horse, but not for the jockey. Snowboarding is a sport. Skateboarding is a sport. Motocross is not a sport. Dogsled racing is a sport for the dogs, but not for the rider. Dog showing is not a sport for any parties involved. But the doggie skill competition where they jump through hoops and shit is a sport for the dog, but not the handler. Gymnastics is a sport. Cheerleading is a sport. Playing in the marching band is not a sport. That's the way I see it, anyway. But our society grants all of these activities the title of sports these days. I think that's wrong, and that it takes away from true athletes. Sure, the dragon lady is nasty at pool; does she really belong in the same class as Jesse Owens? Does Bobby Fischer belong in the same category as Michael Jordan, since they both completely dominated their respective "sports"? Our society thinks so. I'll take Jordan in a footrace over Fischer any time, but I'd take Fischer over Jordan any day in a spelling bee. A spelling bee, by the way, is not a sport; in case you were wondering. What do you think?
Paul from Sanity's Edge interviewed me. For a deep look at the inner psyche of your narrator, hire a psychologist to read my weblog and analyze it. For my answers to a few random and unrelated questions of little redeeming value, go here.
Maybe i'll interview Paul in a few days. He's a pretty weird guy, so his interview will probably be much more interesting than mine. But I can't do it right now because he might steal my thunder, and then i'll have to cut off his hands for stealing. Thunder is a valuable natural resource, you know.
It's monday, and Armondo Benitez still sucks.
Susie noticed that I don't blog on the weekends, and gives some theories as to why, although she is wrong. I don't think of blogging as work, although I do blog from work. I have alot of mindless tasks I do over the internet, and I usually write posts while i'm waiting for stuff to load or waiting to use a printer or some shit like that. That's why I have alot of posts where there's a bunch of unrelated paragraphs about different subjects(like this one). But I don't blog on the weekends because I really just don't have time, and im never near a computer during the weekend.
Tim the Michigander got off blogspot. That son of a bitch. Pixy Misa, who is not a son of a bitch, was the one to liberate him. To review, Pixy Misa = cool, Tim the Michigander = frenchman.
So yeah, the jet game. The Jets got spanked by the Bucs, but it doesn't really matter. When the starters were playing, Chad Pennington marched down the field on the Bucs superbowl defense and scored with a nice drive. He did it without Curtis Martin on the field. Our starting d held their starting o to 3 points, but a guy dropped an easy 7 in the end zone so it was kind of a wash. Our third string D got lit up by the Bucs third string, but who gives a shit because those guys won't see any playing time this year. But we need to make some serious cuts on special teams, cuz those assholes could've touched punts down on the 1 yard line twice, and instead just stood there and watched the ball roll into the endzone. Guess what guys? You're fired. Not too difficult to get right, my friends.
Speaking of football, Rob from Left and Right has the skins. Good choice Rob, I can't wait till Sam Cowart breaks Chad Morton's leg on the opening kickoff of the season. By the way, enjoy John Hall, the only kicker in the NFL who gets extra points blocked.
I'm doing a breast cancer walk on wednesday. That means that nobody can ask me to do anything nice until August 6th, 2004.
I shot a 128 on 18 holes of golf on sunday. If you don't play golf, i'll let you in on a little secret: that's fucking atrocious. I'm gonna go find the guy who gave me a golf lesson and kick the shit out of him. "Keep your head down!" yeah alot of good it did me, you dumb bastard. However, I did hit the pin twice while chipping, which is apparently difficult to do. Unfortunately, i was on my 7th stroke both times it happened.
The Red Sox are falling apart already. Surprise surprise.
Michele used to go to the bar that my dad bartended at. He used to bring me there when i was a little kid to barback for him. Yes, I spent my childhood in a bar. Does that explain it?
Funnycide got his ass kicked this weekend at Monmouth. It was bound to happen eventually. But to all you idiots who bet on him, what were you thinking? You think they are gonna run this horse hard 3 weeks before the Travers? It was just another workout for him, morons, he wasn't even trying to win.
In case you didn't read yesterday, I want to have a little fun with the football season this year. I'm asking other bloggers who like other teams that play the jets this year to let me know their team. And the day after the game, whichever blogger's team wins gets to insult the hell out of the other guy and his team. The other guy has to sit there and take it, and link to the winner's post. In fact I recommend you all do this for your whole season; i'll always take the jets, you guys can work it out amongst yourselves if you want to do it in the other games. Here's the roster so far, as it pertains to the Jets season:
Washington - OPEN
Miami x2 - OPEN (nudge nudge Frak J.)
New England x2 - OPEN
Dallas - Paul
Buffalo x2 - Kin
Houston - OPEN (I doubt anyone will take this)
Philadelphia - OPEN
NY Giants - OPEN (Comeon, somebody, anybody!)
Oakland - Ted
Jacksonville - OPEN
Tennessee - OPEN (nudge nudge Glenn Reynolds)
Pittsburgh - Bill
If two people want a team that we play twice, whoever answers first gets to pick which game. If only one person wants it, you get both. So if you want to play, just leave a comment to this post and you'll get in on it. It should be a good time, and remember, you get to trash me publicly if the jets lose and i have to link to it. YOU GO! YOU PLAY NOW!
It's friday, and Armondo Benitez still sucks.
That being said, I want every baseball fan to put a link to this post on their sidebar and name it "Open on September 1, 2003.". I just spent the last 10 minutes watching ESPN's outside the lines, and it is the funniest thing I have ever seen. They're talking about the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees.
They're saying this is going to be the year. Since 1918, the Yankees have used, abused, and dominated the Boston Red Sox. And if you pay attention to baseball, every year in the beginning of August, it starts all over again. This is going to be the year. The Sox are gonna do it this year. They're taking down the Evil Empire.
I am a Jet fan. If you follow football, then you know Jet fans are very familiar with the "This is gonna be the year" speech. Much like Boston, we hear it every year. So I'm going to run this by you people one time, and one time only. After all, it's only a review.
On September 1, 2003, the Yankees will have at least a 5 game lead over Boston in the A.L. east. Pedro Martinez will be injured, and questionable for the rest of the season. People are gonna start making errors. Pitchers are going to get beat up.
Players like Varitek and Damon will be in a slump. Hey, maybe Nomar will hurt his wrist again. Manny Ramirez will be hitting, but he'll be sucking it up in the outfield. He's already doing that now. Tim Wakefield's knuckleball will stop knuckling, and turn into a 65 mph fastball. It happens every year.
This is a guarentee. I don't think this is going to happen. I'm not hoping this will happen. I actually know, and I mean 100% know that Boston is going to fall apart in August. It happens every year. So every boston fan that reads this go ahead and bookmark it. If I'm wrong, you can come back and rub it in my face in September. But I'm not wrong, and deep down you all know it. So I'm gonna go back to watching these idiots talk about how boston is gonna do it this year, and chuckle to myself. The Red Sox season will be in shambles 31 days from today. Guaranteed.